Stolen Yarns

Tuesday, 17 May 2016

Lagos Driving

Did you know that Lagos in the dictionary is synonymous to "heavy traffic"?. Like stand still traffic. In fact, you can listen to 2 full Wizkid albums in your car and still remain on one spot. You can call the act of listening to music in traffic..."Traffic Jam". 

One thing you need to know about Lagos driving is that all drivers are always in a hurry. Everybody is in a hurry, yet nobody gets to events and meetings early. How do you explain that? There are also some set of drivers called the danfo drivers. No not the singing group! Those ones can drive you crazy. They drive like Esther..."If I perish I perish". A danfo driver will rush to overtake you..then get in front of you right on the road and stop to pick up commuters.  If you horn, they will signal to you to fly. And if you try to overtake them, that when they will move.Since they dont have side mirrors, they just have to guess whether a car is coming or not. They are bad like that! Then you have the okada men (bikers). These ones are yet to master the art of applying brakes. Brake to an okada man is like Tiwa to Tbillz....they are separated (Yes i just had to fix that in). Besides...its only in Lagos that an okada man will be telling a big truck driver "You want to die abi?"

Lagos road in the night is like the beginning of a typical Nolywood movie....too many trailers! Container carrying trailers are the scariest. You literally see the containers shaking as they enter one pot hole after the other. Then the ones we call "Keke" (tricycle). Those ones will just rush in front of you just so they can slow down your destiny. And if you dare hit them, its you car that will spoil. I don't know if the body of that machine was made of gravel and cement because that's the only CONCRETE explanation for their strength.

Please special note to all female drivers in Lagos. Why are you stubborn? Why do you always think men want to take advantage of you by trying to get in front of you? In fact for a woman to "give you road" in Lagos it takes special prayers. Its almost as if you are asking her out. She rolls her eyes  and gives you that "I will think about it" look. I was begging one woman one day. She was doing as if I was asking her out. Me sef I was lost in the moment. I didn't know when I promised her i-phone 6 before she allowed me. If you go in front of a Lagos female driver, its almost as if you molested her. She feels used. She feels her dignity being trampled upon. 

But there is one set of people that make female drivers feel worse.... I'm talking about the men on the road. I remember one lady after attending her friend's military wedding. I think her friend married a naval officer. That colorful ceremony and that dignifying uniform drove her crazy. She immediately started to pray to God to send her a uniformed man! Because she wanted such colorful wedding. Well God answered her prayers in no time. In 2 years she had dated 7 VIO officials, 9 Lastmen, and 3 KAI. Kai! D tin pain am ehn. Talking about the "uniformed men, you need to watch out for them when you are driving in Lagos. One woman, because the 2 danfo drivers in front of her skipped the traffic light. She didn't know those ones had paid their dues. She too she followed suit. One official just miraculously jumped into her car. I have news for you ma! You have carried last ma!!!

Its not everybody that passes traffic on Lagos roads that is a traffic warden o. Besides, there are some junctions in Lagos with very confusing traffic lights. I remember I got stopped by a traffic light once. I was wondering why all the cars before me did not stop. But me, as a law abiding citizen (also known as MUMU in Lagos), I waited. 30 minutes later I was still there. Obeying the law. No I wont beat the traffic light. 1 hour later..I'm not Ebenezer, but I will obey. After 2 hours.....it was one okada man that advised me. "Bros, that light na part of Fashola road decoration o! Na so me sef wait for  2 days last week". 

In fact, one day I was at a junction. One of those junctions with too many traffic lights. I saw the red light so I waited. Then one man signaled to me. "No that light is not for you! You fit go". I looked back and saw that no one was behind me. Maybe its true o. Let it not be like that day. So that I don't look stupid. The man assured me again..."No be you se...you fit go!" Then he walked away. So I decided to go. Before I knew it, 4 lastmen double-crossed me! "Baba you no dey see light?". I started claiming right o. I said "But that light wasn't for me" Then one of them replied "Who told you?" I wanted to turn back to point at the man that told me. When I looked back to see the man, I saw him eating bread....on a refuse dump, dancing without music. Jeez na mad man wey dey follow me talk since I no know! I looked at the officials and said "Bros just arrest me I deserve it!"








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1 comment:

  1. Lool. Nice one. You're not kraziee

    ReplyDelete