Stolen Yarns

Sunday, 24 April 2016

Work in Progress

My people!! Been a while. Happy new year. What? Nigerians still say that thing even in December.  Only that they put 'in advance' behind it. So I'm not so late after all. I know whats on your mind? 'Where have you been?' Yeahh I know you miss me. Even me gan I miss my sef. I have been to and fro the earth. Errm okay scratch that.. that would make me the devil. Well I have been working. Let me not lie...I've just been lazy ni jare. But hey Good News!!!! I'm back now.  Yeah.. I'm back like Toolz! *Wink*. Dont judge me...I'm a work in progress!

Work in progress?? What does that even mean? I think that statement makes people that use it feel good about themselves.You know..like an euphemism  of a sort. I once met one of those babes that stand at Allen junction and men pick them up...errrr..what do they call them again. Anyways, while I try to remember what they are called, I checked her instagram page. And her bio goes 'Work In progress'. Which work? Except its the same work Rihanna was referring to. Babe you are not a 'work in progress', you are a WHORE! Yeahh I finally remembered the name.
Infact when you see someone that has "Work in Progress" anywhere on social media please run for your dear life. The condition is critical! 

Its just like when Christians say 'It is well'. How come they only say that when the situation is terrible. I had never seen a woman punch someone in the face until when one woman lost her husband immediately after her shop got burnt just before her only daughter got kidnapped and a passer by said..'eyaa...it is well!'. The woman almost sent the passerby to tell her husband that statement if not for our timely intervention. As a matter of fact.. it was when the doctor saw my grand mother's test results and said 'it is well' that was when we started preparing for her burial.

I remember the encounter I had with one girl. Her instagram page be like porn. From naked pictures to raunchy videos of her and her boyfriend. No...her name is not Maheeda. But I was shocked to find on her bio. 'DONT JUDGE ME...I'M A WORK IN PROGRESS'. Ironically her name was/is Mary! Yes Mary from Virgin Mary. This one doesnt even know what virgin is. The only virgin she knows is owned by Richard Branson.
Well She asked if I should drop her off somewhere. I said sure! Chai that day i was ashamed of my car ehnnn. Who sent me? Me that I know the kind of cabu cabu that i parked outside. When she saw the car, I saw the disgust in her face! I didnt even have her time. I was busy praying that the car should start once and not embarass me. I ran ahead of her into the car to start the starting process. 1st try...No start...2 nd try..still no start. By now she had entered the car. If you have been in this position before, you will agree with me that this is  the time you start answering questions that you were not asked. "Actually i just bought the car off a friend that got a better car and he kinda wanted to dispose this. Its not like my main car..I'm just using it to perfect my driving''
Then she gave me that typical 'who ask you' look. Finally the car started after the 9th attempt. Then she goes 'ahhh its so hot here..please turn your ac on so i don't die' . So i did immediately..trying to make her as comfortable as possible.

One minute later she goes "Ohh you made a mistake, I told you to put on the AC, you mistakenly put on the heater"
I said "Nooo...that's the AC. Its even on the coolest"
Then she said "Please wind down"

Cheii My REP! Na my car this gehh dey use wash. I actually thought that was the worst.  You know sometimes when you are driving, you think your car is moving fast. That was exactly what I thought..until one of these FAN Ice-cream bicycle vendors passed me and was shouting, "Oga e rin le" (Drive fast).
A quick look at the girl, I almost couldn't recognize her. The sweat on her face had turned her MARIE- KAY to MARY Y??? The poor babe couldn't take it anymore. Then she said with a pity mixed with sympathy and understanding look.
"Erm SLK..why not sell this car and add money to it so you can buy a hoverboard. At least that one moves a bit faster"
I didnt know when tears started rolling down my cheeks! I couldn't take that! With tears in my eyes reminiscing on the effort i put into buying the car, I replied her cry!

"What! Please what is it? PLEASE DON'T JUDGE MY CAR! ITS A WORK IN PROGRESS"
Then she took a deep breath and said "IT IS WELL"
Ahhhh my life! My car moved from "Work in Progress" to "IT IS WELL" in one second! CHAIIII....IT IS WELL.





Thanks for reading. I'm sure you enjoyed it. You can book SLK for you events/shows right away so you can get a live dose of his humor. Call: +234-7035639439 or Email us : slkomedy@gmail.com

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