Stolen Yarns

Monday, 25 April 2016

EVERYBODY WANTS YOUR MONEY

Statistics have shown that in Lagos (Nigeria's mega-city), if you give money to every one that asks money from you, from the moment you step out of your house, by the next morning, you would be begging for money too. Okay I just made that up. But is it not crazy? I can show a typical day in Lagos to you and you can do the math yourself.

You step out of your house for work in Lekki. Let us say you have a car. As you drive out, you are greeted by a beggar who is showering prayers of protection on you. And you are like "from Akute to Lekki is a long journey, I could use some "safe journey prayers". So you dip your hand in your pocket and give him money. BIG BOY! While you are approaching the junction of your street. You hear a shout 'Oga Your Tyre! Your Tyre'. So since there's a vulcanizer just at the junction you quickly park to have it gauged. You are a big boy! You cant be stepping out to gauge your Tyre. So you just tell him to check the four and gauge where necessary. Of course he gauges the 4 for you and tells you its 500. because the price of air has gone up. What would you do? You are late! So you pay. BIG BOY!! Only for the man that shouted 'your tyre!' to come and meet you that he meant that your tyre was rolling not that it was flat. But the mumu vulcanizer did not bother telling you anything,

The man now opens up to you that he was only trying to stop you because his so has gained admission....in the hospital and he's gathering money. What would you do? you are a big boy! So you dip your hand in your pocket and you give him something! At least even if its 2k. BIG BOY. Then you continue your journey.

Now you are on the main road. Peeping at your wrist watch. Then suddenly, like Dbanj, just as you were about to turn unto a round about, some 'last men' were round about you. 'Oga you wan tell me say you no see the give way sign?'. Give way ke? You look back to check, you see that the 'give way' sign post sef don give way! No wonder you didn't see it! 'Oga we will take you to our office o! But you can relate with us so we wont delay you'. You peep at your wrist watch, peep at your boss' missed calls and what do you do? You dip your hand in your pocket and settle! BIG BOY!

You are now on the Island. You are thinking to yourself, 'akute to lekki is what they are supposed to call IJE - The journey'. What if you didn't now pay that beggar that prayed for you. How bad would the journey have been. Then you see traffic. And you remember 'ohh lekki toll gate'. And because you are a big boy, you passed the Lekki Ikoyi bridge that costs 250. What do you do? You are already late and that's a shorter route. So you dip your hand in your pocket and you pay! BIG BOY!

Now you are in the office. Luckily your boss did not vex. But you had a lot of work to do. You are famished! You need to eat but you can't leave your work. By the way, you are a big boy, you cant eat food from any road side buka. NEVER. God forbid. So what do you do? You call Kundus the cleaner. You ask him to go down to the fast food at the junction because you want to eat your worth. When he gets back, you know he helped you na. Which eye you wan make dem dey take look you for office. Even Kundus sef is giving you pity face. So what do you do? Since there was no change, or so he said, you dip your hand into your pocket and give him money for recharge card. Yeahh like he will use 1500 to recharge his phone. If I hear. 

Its closing time, the security guy is opening the company gate and is giving you that smile. Like the man at the beautiful gate he's looking to receive something from you. You know its only in Nigeria that greeting costs money. He has greeted you too much. You can's just leave him like that na. So what do you do? You dip your hand in your pocket and you 'bless' him!

You are at the toll gate now. Heading to akute. Ofcourse you have to dip your hand in your pocket to pay for toll gate. Once you pass the toll gate, you are sure that no matter what you forgot in the office you can't dare turn back. Even if it is your house key. Its more economical to jack the door. 

Now you are driving home and to your greatest surprise you see a filling station selling fuel! Filling station, selling fuel with no queue!!! Let me explain in case you don't live in Nigeria. Nowadays, in Nigeria, seeing a filling station selling fuel without a queue is like seeing a hot, voluptuous babe in the club dancing alone with no man at all. So you have to seize the opportunity. You didn't even trafficate as you entered. After they sell full tank for you, that's when they tell you its 200 per litre (as opposed to 86N). You are trying to argue and you see the other guy hurrying you up. What would you do? You cant stand there and be arguing with an uneducated fuel attendant. So you dip your hand in your pocket and pay! BIG BOY.

Then you are driving home! At least you have a full tank. Full tank to Nigerians improves our self esteem somehow. You are on the mainland continuing the journey. Its about 9;30pm. Thanks to traffic. Just when you thought you were home and dry. You see the men in black. You first thought it was Zaki Adze because he was shining torch in your eyes. 'Bros bros. Good evening. Show us love baba'. They actually look like they were deprived of love. Even the battery in their torchlight is gone. So what do you do? You dip your hand in your pocket...and you 'show them love'

Now you are on your bed. Counting your losses. Explaining to your wife how you spent your money...i mean your day. You literally spent your day deeping your hand in your pocket. You are even thinking of asking Lukman , your tailor to stop making the pockets of your trouser so deep. Well life goes on. You have to sleep and hopefully you won't start begging in the streets tomorrow. Then suddenly your wife goes 'honey please were you able to send the money for Toyin's wedding's asoebi today'. And immediately you started thinking of calling your lawyer to file for dicorce!!!


Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to book SLK for your shows/events, please dont hesitate to contact +234-7035639439. Good night!

2 comments:

  1. Dip. Not deep. Dip your hands into your pockets.

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    Replies
    1. Was actually trying to build up to the 'deep pocket' punchline at the end. but since it appears like a mistake I will correct. Thanks sooo much. I really appreciate

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