Stolen Yarns

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Girls and Birthdays???

The way ladies take birthdays ehnn. Its like some ladies' sole purpose of being on earth is to celebrate the next birthday. The joy rises from their very early years then peaks between ages 18 and 25. then from 25 it begins to descend. You see when they now get to 30, the love for birthdays become hatred. Especially when they are still searching for the fruit of a husband. Usually when they are 18,19,20,21 up to even 26. Do you notice how excited they are about their birthdays. Its like they cant wait sef. From the beginning of the month we wont hear word o. They begin to put up pictures like "I CANT KEEP CALM, ITS MY BIRTHDAY MONTH". As if someone was begging them before. Then they start that mumu count down.

Whats most annoying about the countdown is not the countdown itself, its the distance. They be like 'its 4 weeks to my big day'. Babe are you that eager. Calm down na! "No I CANT KEEP CALM. ITS MY BIRTHDAY MONTH". Ohh now I get. But at least wait till its like 3 days. that one is understandable. Girls actually look forward to this countdown just as much as they look forward to the big day as well o. So you see posts like "I'm super excited...its 2months to my birthday" or "Yipee 30 days to my big day..let the countdown begin". I met the shock of my life when I saw one recently. "Yayyyyy its 365 days to my birthday". Its your birthday today olodo!!!!!!. She don forget!!!!!

Don't even get me started on the craze for surprise birthdays. ahh its bad o. Everybody wants to organise surprise birthdays for their friends hoping that those friends will be grateful enough to reciprocate the surprise. That's how we wanted to surprise one of our friends in Eko hotel and suites. We contributed money paid for the hall and everything. So all of us gathered! Only for us to hear that she traveled to the UK that morning. Ahh! Onigbese. Instead of blessing the celebrant, all of us started cursing her. How could she do something like that! Travel without our knowledge. Didn't she know we would want to surprise her? Idiot. Anyways the cake was sweet sha. But why do women love surprise birthdays! One girl has invited me to her surprise birthday before o. She just called me "SLK please my surprise birthday will be holding this Thursday. please I would be honored to have you there."

Some friends could be ingrates though. One girl had played major roles in all her friend's birthday parties. In fact she made sure she did surprise birthday parties for all of them. Believing that on her own big day, her friends will reciprocate and surprise her. Hmmmm my brothers and sisters, you wont believe that it was only her mummy and daddy that came for her "Surprise" party o. The girl was so surprised. I think thats what her friends wanted to achieve. 

This post would not be complete without me dropping something for the men. So MEN OF VALOR (AWUUUUUUU), here is something that will help you. so listen and pay attention (Like they are not the same thing)

Are you a man? Are you in a relationship or married? Are your life's challenges hitting you below the belt? Are you tired of your life?  Do you want to know what it feels like to enjoy the bliss of heaven with the saints? Well look no further because I have the very simple solution in just 3 words. 

FORGET HER BIRTHDAY!!!

Till we meet again at the Lord's feet, continue to rest in peace.....

Yours Truly
SLK



                                     
Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to book SLK for your shows/events, please don't hesitate to contact +234-7035639439. Good night!

Monday, 25 April 2016

EVERYBODY WANTS YOUR MONEY

Statistics have shown that in Lagos (Nigeria's mega-city), if you give money to every one that asks money from you, from the moment you step out of your house, by the next morning, you would be begging for money too. Okay I just made that up. But is it not crazy? I can show a typical day in Lagos to you and you can do the math yourself.

You step out of your house for work in Lekki. Let us say you have a car. As you drive out, you are greeted by a beggar who is showering prayers of protection on you. And you are like "from Akute to Lekki is a long journey, I could use some "safe journey prayers". So you dip your hand in your pocket and give him money. BIG BOY! While you are approaching the junction of your street. You hear a shout 'Oga Your Tyre! Your Tyre'. So since there's a vulcanizer just at the junction you quickly park to have it gauged. You are a big boy! You cant be stepping out to gauge your Tyre. So you just tell him to check the four and gauge where necessary. Of course he gauges the 4 for you and tells you its 500. because the price of air has gone up. What would you do? You are late! So you pay. BIG BOY!! Only for the man that shouted 'your tyre!' to come and meet you that he meant that your tyre was rolling not that it was flat. But the mumu vulcanizer did not bother telling you anything,

The man now opens up to you that he was only trying to stop you because his so has gained admission....in the hospital and he's gathering money. What would you do? you are a big boy! So you dip your hand in your pocket and you give him something! At least even if its 2k. BIG BOY. Then you continue your journey.

Now you are on the main road. Peeping at your wrist watch. Then suddenly, like Dbanj, just as you were about to turn unto a round about, some 'last men' were round about you. 'Oga you wan tell me say you no see the give way sign?'. Give way ke? You look back to check, you see that the 'give way' sign post sef don give way! No wonder you didn't see it! 'Oga we will take you to our office o! But you can relate with us so we wont delay you'. You peep at your wrist watch, peep at your boss' missed calls and what do you do? You dip your hand in your pocket and settle! BIG BOY!

You are now on the Island. You are thinking to yourself, 'akute to lekki is what they are supposed to call IJE - The journey'. What if you didn't now pay that beggar that prayed for you. How bad would the journey have been. Then you see traffic. And you remember 'ohh lekki toll gate'. And because you are a big boy, you passed the Lekki Ikoyi bridge that costs 250. What do you do? You are already late and that's a shorter route. So you dip your hand in your pocket and you pay! BIG BOY!

Now you are in the office. Luckily your boss did not vex. But you had a lot of work to do. You are famished! You need to eat but you can't leave your work. By the way, you are a big boy, you cant eat food from any road side buka. NEVER. God forbid. So what do you do? You call Kundus the cleaner. You ask him to go down to the fast food at the junction because you want to eat your worth. When he gets back, you know he helped you na. Which eye you wan make dem dey take look you for office. Even Kundus sef is giving you pity face. So what do you do? Since there was no change, or so he said, you dip your hand into your pocket and give him money for recharge card. Yeahh like he will use 1500 to recharge his phone. If I hear. 

Its closing time, the security guy is opening the company gate and is giving you that smile. Like the man at the beautiful gate he's looking to receive something from you. You know its only in Nigeria that greeting costs money. He has greeted you too much. You can's just leave him like that na. So what do you do? You dip your hand in your pocket and you 'bless' him!

You are at the toll gate now. Heading to akute. Ofcourse you have to dip your hand in your pocket to pay for toll gate. Once you pass the toll gate, you are sure that no matter what you forgot in the office you can't dare turn back. Even if it is your house key. Its more economical to jack the door. 

Now you are driving home and to your greatest surprise you see a filling station selling fuel! Filling station, selling fuel with no queue!!! Let me explain in case you don't live in Nigeria. Nowadays, in Nigeria, seeing a filling station selling fuel without a queue is like seeing a hot, voluptuous babe in the club dancing alone with no man at all. So you have to seize the opportunity. You didn't even trafficate as you entered. After they sell full tank for you, that's when they tell you its 200 per litre (as opposed to 86N). You are trying to argue and you see the other guy hurrying you up. What would you do? You cant stand there and be arguing with an uneducated fuel attendant. So you dip your hand in your pocket and pay! BIG BOY.

Then you are driving home! At least you have a full tank. Full tank to Nigerians improves our self esteem somehow. You are on the mainland continuing the journey. Its about 9;30pm. Thanks to traffic. Just when you thought you were home and dry. You see the men in black. You first thought it was Zaki Adze because he was shining torch in your eyes. 'Bros bros. Good evening. Show us love baba'. They actually look like they were deprived of love. Even the battery in their torchlight is gone. So what do you do? You dip your hand in your pocket...and you 'show them love'

Now you are on your bed. Counting your losses. Explaining to your wife how you spent your money...i mean your day. You literally spent your day deeping your hand in your pocket. You are even thinking of asking Lukman , your tailor to stop making the pockets of your trouser so deep. Well life goes on. You have to sleep and hopefully you won't start begging in the streets tomorrow. Then suddenly your wife goes 'honey please were you able to send the money for Toyin's wedding's asoebi today'. And immediately you started thinking of calling your lawyer to file for dicorce!!!


Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to book SLK for your shows/events, please dont hesitate to contact +234-7035639439. Good night!

Sunday, 24 April 2016

Work in Progress

My people!! Been a while. Happy new year. What? Nigerians still say that thing even in December.  Only that they put 'in advance' behind it. So I'm not so late after all. I know whats on your mind? 'Where have you been?' Yeahh I know you miss me. Even me gan I miss my sef. I have been to and fro the earth. Errm okay scratch that.. that would make me the devil. Well I have been working. Let me not lie...I've just been lazy ni jare. But hey Good News!!!! I'm back now.  Yeah.. I'm back like Toolz! *Wink*. Dont judge me...I'm a work in progress!

Work in progress?? What does that even mean? I think that statement makes people that use it feel good about themselves.You know..like an euphemism  of a sort. I once met one of those babes that stand at Allen junction and men pick them up...errrr..what do they call them again. Anyways, while I try to remember what they are called, I checked her instagram page. And her bio goes 'Work In progress'. Which work? Except its the same work Rihanna was referring to. Babe you are not a 'work in progress', you are a WHORE! Yeahh I finally remembered the name.
Infact when you see someone that has "Work in Progress" anywhere on social media please run for your dear life. The condition is critical! 

Its just like when Christians say 'It is well'. How come they only say that when the situation is terrible. I had never seen a woman punch someone in the face until when one woman lost her husband immediately after her shop got burnt just before her only daughter got kidnapped and a passer by said..'eyaa...it is well!'. The woman almost sent the passerby to tell her husband that statement if not for our timely intervention. As a matter of fact.. it was when the doctor saw my grand mother's test results and said 'it is well' that was when we started preparing for her burial.

I remember the encounter I had with one girl. Her instagram page be like porn. From naked pictures to raunchy videos of her and her boyfriend. No...her name is not Maheeda. But I was shocked to find on her bio. 'DONT JUDGE ME...I'M A WORK IN PROGRESS'. Ironically her name was/is Mary! Yes Mary from Virgin Mary. This one doesnt even know what virgin is. The only virgin she knows is owned by Richard Branson.
Well She asked if I should drop her off somewhere. I said sure! Chai that day i was ashamed of my car ehnnn. Who sent me? Me that I know the kind of cabu cabu that i parked outside. When she saw the car, I saw the disgust in her face! I didnt even have her time. I was busy praying that the car should start once and not embarass me. I ran ahead of her into the car to start the starting process. 1st try...No start...2 nd try..still no start. By now she had entered the car. If you have been in this position before, you will agree with me that this is  the time you start answering questions that you were not asked. "Actually i just bought the car off a friend that got a better car and he kinda wanted to dispose this. Its not like my main car..I'm just using it to perfect my driving''
Then she gave me that typical 'who ask you' look. Finally the car started after the 9th attempt. Then she goes 'ahhh its so hot here..please turn your ac on so i don't die' . So i did immediately..trying to make her as comfortable as possible.

One minute later she goes "Ohh you made a mistake, I told you to put on the AC, you mistakenly put on the heater"
I said "Nooo...that's the AC. Its even on the coolest"
Then she said "Please wind down"

Cheii My REP! Na my car this gehh dey use wash. I actually thought that was the worst.  You know sometimes when you are driving, you think your car is moving fast. That was exactly what I thought..until one of these FAN Ice-cream bicycle vendors passed me and was shouting, "Oga e rin le" (Drive fast).
A quick look at the girl, I almost couldn't recognize her. The sweat on her face had turned her MARIE- KAY to MARY Y??? The poor babe couldn't take it anymore. Then she said with a pity mixed with sympathy and understanding look.
"Erm SLK..why not sell this car and add money to it so you can buy a hoverboard. At least that one moves a bit faster"
I didnt know when tears started rolling down my cheeks! I couldn't take that! With tears in my eyes reminiscing on the effort i put into buying the car, I replied her cry!

"What! Please what is it? PLEASE DON'T JUDGE MY CAR! ITS A WORK IN PROGRESS"
Then she took a deep breath and said "IT IS WELL"
Ahhhh my life! My car moved from "Work in Progress" to "IT IS WELL" in one second! CHAIIII....IT IS WELL.





Thanks for reading. I'm sure you enjoyed it. You can book SLK for you events/shows right away so you can get a live dose of his humor. Call: +234-7035639439 or Email us : slkomedy@gmail.com