Stolen Yarns

Wednesday, 1 June 2016

BEGGY BEGGY

Pride, they say, goes before a fall. I think Naira was proud and  summer is Pride...(you will get that in a few minutes). Some people have some kind of pride shaa. They are even prouder than a collection of lions. And you won't know until they have money or power or both. But really, in fairness to us the rich, I think you poor people get the concept of pride a little bit misconstrued. Sometimes you mix pride with class. When your friend becomes rich, and you say he's proud because he doesn't pick your call or hang out with you no more. Check well o. Maybe all you call him for is to complain and beg. You know some people beg every single time. No matter what topic you are discussing, it must end with 'beg'.

"How far, did you see the goal Messi scored yesterday?"
Omo I no see am o.. my subscription finished o. I was even thinking if i can see like 10k..."


"How far... did you hear that Sammy is getting married?"
"Ahh nooo... I'm even coming from the hospital now, the doctor said I have hearing problem that I would need like 40k. can you assist me with like 35k out of it"

"Jesus loves you"
"Yes o, hes the only one that loves me at the moment. No love anywhere else. You wont believe that my LandLord pushed me out of my house this morning because I need 50k to complete the rent!"

Yes that's the key phrase beggars use. Any time you hear this: "You wont believe it...", na beg they wan beg you so! So if you had a friend like this, tell me, would you always pick his call. One day our neighbor knocked on our door and my little 5 year old niece answered:

"Yes who's that?"
"Its me, Mummy Segun"
"Ahh mummy Segun, our Garri has finished"

What an insult! How could she? I mean!  What sort of mean statement is that. So as a responsible big brother, I told my niece to kneel down, raise her hands, close her eyes and face the wall. What nonsense! And I apologised to her. The poor woman that must have just come to greet us jejely. She sat and started watching TV with us. After 10 minutes, while my niece was still serving her punishment, the next thing I heard...

"Bros, sorry o, is it true that Garri has finished?" 

What!!! I looked at her, then took another look at my niece, then I told my niece to get up and go and sit down. Mama Segun asked why I released her. I said I don't like punishing someone unjustly.  That was the last day she came to our house.

I see BEGGARS everyday, maybe because I stay in OJODU. Some don't even beg for tangible things. Some beg for things like free ride. 

"Are you by any chance going to Festac?"
"Awww, No I'm going to Ikorodu"
"Ehhnnn but you can pass through Festac naa!!"
"Huh! I said Ikorodu, not Cameroun"

I remember when we were in primary school, the driver will drop us in school every morning. One day, we saw a woman that stays several streets away but attends our church walking to work, so we parked and picked her up. Luckily her office was just beside my school. The next day, coincidentally, we saw her at the same place. So we picked her up. The third day we saw her coincidentally..at the same place. The fourth. The fifth. same thing! What a coincidence. Then the next Monday, we started our Midterm break! I was having a sound sleep on my bed when I heard someone banging our gate. 

"Who is that?" I yelled
"Won't you be late for school, its almost 9'oclock" the woman we 'coincidentally' pick up on the road yelled back. On top my own school again. E gba mi.
"No ma we wont be late, we are on Mid-term break!"
She cried back at me "You are on break? Ahh You are wicked! Why didn't you tell me naa, I've been standing on the road for the past one hour! What type of nonsense is this? And I have even spent my transport fare! Ahh this is not fair!!!"

Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to book SLK for your shows/events, please don't hesitate to contact +234-7035639439. Good night


Thursday, 19 May 2016

SLK finally drops Hilarious Skit "The Kiss" featuring EmmaOhMaGod and Comedian Ebiye


Comedian SLK (@SLKomedy) teams up with EmmaOhmaGod (EmmaOhMaGod), Comedian Ebiye (@Comedianebiye), Husband Material (@Ezugwuchukwudi) and ex beauty queen and Zaron ambassador Ngozi Erica (@mzz_erica) in this Romantic Comedy skit/Short Film. Watch and have a good laugh!!














This post was brought to you by Hem&Omakie Shoes. Quality Naija-made footwear at a very affordable price. 
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Whatsapp:  07038013701



Tuesday, 17 May 2016

Lagos Driving

Did you know that Lagos in the dictionary is synonymous to "heavy traffic"?. Like stand still traffic. In fact, you can listen to 2 full Wizkid albums in your car and still remain on one spot. You can call the act of listening to music in traffic..."Traffic Jam". 

One thing you need to know about Lagos driving is that all drivers are always in a hurry. Everybody is in a hurry, yet nobody gets to events and meetings early. How do you explain that? There are also some set of drivers called the danfo drivers. No not the singing group! Those ones can drive you crazy. They drive like Esther..."If I perish I perish". A danfo driver will rush to overtake you..then get in front of you right on the road and stop to pick up commuters.  If you horn, they will signal to you to fly. And if you try to overtake them, that when they will move.Since they dont have side mirrors, they just have to guess whether a car is coming or not. They are bad like that! Then you have the okada men (bikers). These ones are yet to master the art of applying brakes. Brake to an okada man is like Tiwa to Tbillz....they are separated (Yes i just had to fix that in). Besides...its only in Lagos that an okada man will be telling a big truck driver "You want to die abi?"

Lagos road in the night is like the beginning of a typical Nolywood movie....too many trailers! Container carrying trailers are the scariest. You literally see the containers shaking as they enter one pot hole after the other. Then the ones we call "Keke" (tricycle). Those ones will just rush in front of you just so they can slow down your destiny. And if you dare hit them, its you car that will spoil. I don't know if the body of that machine was made of gravel and cement because that's the only CONCRETE explanation for their strength.

Please special note to all female drivers in Lagos. Why are you stubborn? Why do you always think men want to take advantage of you by trying to get in front of you? In fact for a woman to "give you road" in Lagos it takes special prayers. Its almost as if you are asking her out. She rolls her eyes  and gives you that "I will think about it" look. I was begging one woman one day. She was doing as if I was asking her out. Me sef I was lost in the moment. I didn't know when I promised her i-phone 6 before she allowed me. If you go in front of a Lagos female driver, its almost as if you molested her. She feels used. She feels her dignity being trampled upon. 

But there is one set of people that make female drivers feel worse.... I'm talking about the men on the road. I remember one lady after attending her friend's military wedding. I think her friend married a naval officer. That colorful ceremony and that dignifying uniform drove her crazy. She immediately started to pray to God to send her a uniformed man! Because she wanted such colorful wedding. Well God answered her prayers in no time. In 2 years she had dated 7 VIO officials, 9 Lastmen, and 3 KAI. Kai! D tin pain am ehn. Talking about the "uniformed men, you need to watch out for them when you are driving in Lagos. One woman, because the 2 danfo drivers in front of her skipped the traffic light. She didn't know those ones had paid their dues. She too she followed suit. One official just miraculously jumped into her car. I have news for you ma! You have carried last ma!!!

Its not everybody that passes traffic on Lagos roads that is a traffic warden o. Besides, there are some junctions in Lagos with very confusing traffic lights. I remember I got stopped by a traffic light once. I was wondering why all the cars before me did not stop. But me, as a law abiding citizen (also known as MUMU in Lagos), I waited. 30 minutes later I was still there. Obeying the law. No I wont beat the traffic light. 1 hour later..I'm not Ebenezer, but I will obey. After 2 hours.....it was one okada man that advised me. "Bros, that light na part of Fashola road decoration o! Na so me sef wait for  2 days last week". 

In fact, one day I was at a junction. One of those junctions with too many traffic lights. I saw the red light so I waited. Then one man signaled to me. "No that light is not for you! You fit go". I looked back and saw that no one was behind me. Maybe its true o. Let it not be like that day. So that I don't look stupid. The man assured me again..."No be you se...you fit go!" Then he walked away. So I decided to go. Before I knew it, 4 lastmen double-crossed me! "Baba you no dey see light?". I started claiming right o. I said "But that light wasn't for me" Then one of them replied "Who told you?" I wanted to turn back to point at the man that told me. When I looked back to see the man, I saw him eating bread....on a refuse dump, dancing without music. Jeez na mad man wey dey follow me talk since I no know! I looked at the officials and said "Bros just arrest me I deserve it!"








This post was brought to you by Hem&Omakie Shoes. Quality Naija-made footwear at a very affordable price. 
Facebook: www.facebook.com/hemomakie
Twitter:      @Hemomakie
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BBM;         2BCDE573
Whatsapp:  07038013701


Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to book SLK for your shows/events, please don't hesitate to contact +234-7035639439. Good night





Wednesday, 11 May 2016

SLK....WELCOME TO IBADAN..

For some reason, my job has taken me to Ibadan about 3 times in the last 2 months. In case you are not a Nigerian and you have not been to Nigeria before, well Ibadan is an ANCIENT city in the southwest of Nigeria. Trust me its ANCIENT in every way. Even the indigenes are old. They always live long. Its almost like all the old people in Nigeria retire in Ibadan. If you see one Mama that I met. She told me she is in Girl's Guild. I guess age is a thing of the mind then. So Taiye Taiwo has a point.

But one thing you need to give to the Ibadanites is hospitality. They are the best. I got better hospitality than my last visit to Ilorin (another ancient city). In Ilorin, I suffered!! I told the event organisers to sort out my accommodation as usual. I forgot to explain to them what accommodation means.  Apparently, to them, accommodation means "a place to lay your head". Which is exactly what they got for me. They gave me the address....somewhere in Offa. Wait so in the whole of Offa, this was what they could offer. If you see the room..as big as Dangote's living room. Well.. not like I've been to Dangote's house before but I just think his sitting room should not be small.  Then the TV was as small as my palm. Like the bed to the TV was like 1km. I had to ask if they had binoculars. 

Anyways, back to Ibadan.  After the stressful journey..GOD! That road though. Lagos Ibadan Express way! I don't know which is deeper, those pot-holes of my pastor's sermon. I saw one, there was no way you could convince me that that was not a well in the middle of the road. It looked like where Clifford Orji used to hide. I was asking myself, is that not a well. I got my answer from the unfortunate bus that entered into it. They wrote "IT IS WELL" at the back.   I knew it!

Well, I got into my room and of course I was hungry. while waiting for my food, i had to go get suya (roasted meat) at least to keep my stomach because apparently, the hotel just went to plant the rice I ordered 20 minutes before.  "Oga abeg no put onions o", I gathered the last strength I had to yell at the suya guy...sorry suya daddy. "I hope say you no put onions o" I had to ask again after the suya had been packaged. "No oga, I no put onion o..na GARBAGE full inside!" Huh... Garbage?? They eat Gabbage in Ibadan? No wonder they go to toilet a lot. Garbage in Garbage out!! It was when I got back into the room that I discovered that it was Cabbage he meant. SLK...WELCOME TO IBADAN!

My event went well. 2 governors were in attendance. The governors of Oyo and Ondo states. I had so much fun with them. I made them laugh and more importantly, they made me laugh too. Infact I'm still laughing. After such a good job, I wanted to experience the city a bit. To my surprise, I heard they have Cold stone in Ibadan. That was when I encountered Ibadan again at its realest. I asked this girl if she would like some Ice cream. She said No she doesn't like cold pap!! Jesus! SLK....Welcome to Ibadan

One thing about Ibadanites is that they don't like to be cheated. They hate to buy things at exorbitant prices. To them, why would you want to buy COLD PAP at Cold stone for 1500 Naira, when Saki can do the same thing in his kiosk for 100 Naira. So i decided to visit Saki's shop. Instead of COLD STONE. If you see shop! E be like inside cave. What drew my concern was that, as he was preparing my cold pap, I saw water from the decking in the ceiling dripping into the COLD PAP. Is this some form of flavour? I had to close my eyes to it. Maybe this was the Garbage the suya daddy meant. I took the Cement flavoured Ice cream like that, To people I was taking Cold stone, but deep in my heart I knew I was taking Limestone. All na still stone....SLK...Welcome to Ibadan.

All I'm trying to say is that...I had a great time. Awesome people! Shout out to all Ibadanites! Thanks for the love.




Photo Credit: Tolani Alli


Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to book SLK for your shows/events, please don't hesitate to contact +234-7035639439. Good night


Sunday, 8 May 2016

"The Change" by Comedian Short Family

One of the brightest talents in the Nigerian comedy scene and runner-up in the just concluded Alibaba Spontaneity Competition, Short Family has come up with a very hilarious comedy skit to keep his fans laughing and yearning for more. Follow the link below to watch and thank me later.  





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhlw3yLzsS4

Wednesday, 4 May 2016

Blood Donor (Part 2)

                       CONT'D FROM LAST POST

Soon we were told that the results were out. Kai see fear. At that moment, I was even less afraid of the process of shedding your blood. Infact my prayer was that I would be able to shed the blood. Then the man started calling the names of people that qualified. See me listening attentively na. Nothing else mattered at that moment. It felt like God was reading out the names in the book of life. To cut the short story long, my name was called. I made it! My bloody is clean. Yayy! Ladies take note! *wink*.

Then came the next challenge. THE SHEDDING OF BLOOD. This was when I knew how Jesus felt when he was begging God that if it was His will this cup should pass over. So this is what it takes to be a father.  Come and see where they were looking for vein in one man's body. I think that man had offended the doctor before because the doctor was  just hitting the hand. The doctor even slapped his face. The man shouted! The doctor said he's looking for vein. The man would have said he's not doing again since they couldn't find his vein but he didn't want to come in vain. So they continued slapping him. I was even going to suggest to the doctor that he should kuku just wound him let blood come out. 


Suddenly I heard "NEXT!". I was just looking. Then the vampire looked at me and said. "Sir I said Next". I must have thought he was referring to where he got his haircut. I got in there and the man approached me. I asked him what he wanted to use the knife in his hand for. He said its not knife, its the needle! What!!! It was even the same guy that chooked me the first time. What kind of profession is this. Why would this kind of man choose a profession that involves chooking people. Then I saw his name on his ID card. Dr Chuks. No wonder the Doctor Chooks a lot.

Dr Chuks did his thing. Wasn't as painful as I thought though. I felt more pain seeing my blood flowing down into the bloody sac. I shouted "Blood of Jesus". The doctor replied "No..its your blood o"

Ever since then, I've respected Jesus Christ the more. It was only one pint! Just one pint. I heard that the taller you are, the more the blood your body is capable of giving. So when the doctor called me in, I walked in bending my knees. Before he tells me to drop 4 pints. Kuku kill me! I have also become more careful about the way I shout "Blood of Jesus". I dont just shout Blood of Jesus as an ordinary exclamation anymore. I've learnt to put some respeck on it. 

In the end it feels good to know that I've shed blood to save a life. I feel like Jesus' younger brother. I suggest you do the same. Walk into any General Hospital and tell them you are a free donor. Make sure you tell them its blood o, before they remove your kidney. 

Blood of Jesus! My rice is burning! I need to go now. See ya!! Catch ya!!! larra 



PHOTO OF THE DAY




Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to book SLK for your shows/events, please don't hesitate to contact +234-7035639439. Good night!

Monday, 2 May 2016

Blood Donor (PART 1)

Last week, I shed my blood...sorry..I donated blood for a close relative since her husband was not in town. Now this was scary on a couple of levels. I actually thought it was a very small thing when I agreed. Then it turned out that I didn't think it through very well. It dawned on me that I was in for it that morning, when my dad sent me a couple of texts.
"As you go, God be with you. Don't panic, Eat well and take less fluids. Whatever happens just remember that we love you. Once again may the Lord go with you AMEN". 

Wait o. Its blood I'm going to donate o not my heart! Then I realized that they will have to run a couple of tests including HIV test. Chai. Test that I've been running from since. The only thing that gave me confidence was the fact that the last time I passed any test was in Secondary school. Driving there was the longest ride, In fact  I was driving recklessly. I didn't care again. I was driving like Esther....."If I perish I perish". Something just told me "You better slow down...remember Ibinabo o." I had to give myself brain...I had already spent 5 years in Covenant University, no need to add another 5 years in prison.

We finally got there. One of the nurses approached me and went, "Are you here to drop your blood?" I don't know why she looked like a vampire to me. She directed me to go and pick a number. Now the next phase is the next scary part. I hate pain! I hate needles, pins etc. They had to take our blood samples for testing. Soon it was my turn. The vampire..i mean the nurse was doing her thing while i was gearing for the pain. It looked like he was having a hard time locating my vein. Then she wanted to insert the needle, i had to stop her. 'Ma, are you sure that's my vein because if you chook this tin once I wont allow you chook again o" Because it looked like he was doing ini mini manny mo. So that he doesn't go and pierce the wrong place. Later I will now start looking for my hemoglobin.

Then we went to a room for HIV counselling. I had to ask if its all of us that took the blood test that were in the room for the counselling or they had separated us. I was relieved to know that it was all of us.
"HIV is not the end of the world" I noticed that while the nurse was talking she was just facing me. I didnt want to know if it was coincidence...I started speaking in tongues o. She was now talking about HIV as if its a good thing. Like we have been so mean to HIV but it means well. Is this woman trying to advertise HIV to us.  "HIV is not a death sentence. In fact you can live a normal life and live long with the virus" Eheeen nurse, the virus dey sweet na him you no get am?

She started interviewing us one after the other. Same questions for everybody. Doctors are the only ones that can get the truth out of you because you believe it relates to your health. The questions seemed so personal but all of us had to answer sincerely because we believed they were health related. She asked me:
"Are you married?"
NO!
"Do you have a girlfriend?"
NO
"Have you ever had sex before?
I answered her question. 

I really think EFCC should employ doctors to aid their investigations. They will readily tell the truth to doctors. 

"Madam, Have you ever stolen 12 billion Dollars?"
"Yes, doctor hope no problem"

"No..just that it seems you have cancer!"



                                               TO BE CONTINUED



Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to book SLK for your shows/events, please don't hesitate to contact +234-7035639439. Good night!
                                         

Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Girls and Birthdays???

The way ladies take birthdays ehnn. Its like some ladies' sole purpose of being on earth is to celebrate the next birthday. The joy rises from their very early years then peaks between ages 18 and 25. then from 25 it begins to descend. You see when they now get to 30, the love for birthdays become hatred. Especially when they are still searching for the fruit of a husband. Usually when they are 18,19,20,21 up to even 26. Do you notice how excited they are about their birthdays. Its like they cant wait sef. From the beginning of the month we wont hear word o. They begin to put up pictures like "I CANT KEEP CALM, ITS MY BIRTHDAY MONTH". As if someone was begging them before. Then they start that mumu count down.

Whats most annoying about the countdown is not the countdown itself, its the distance. They be like 'its 4 weeks to my big day'. Babe are you that eager. Calm down na! "No I CANT KEEP CALM. ITS MY BIRTHDAY MONTH". Ohh now I get. But at least wait till its like 3 days. that one is understandable. Girls actually look forward to this countdown just as much as they look forward to the big day as well o. So you see posts like "I'm super excited...its 2months to my birthday" or "Yipee 30 days to my big day..let the countdown begin". I met the shock of my life when I saw one recently. "Yayyyyy its 365 days to my birthday". Its your birthday today olodo!!!!!!. She don forget!!!!!

Don't even get me started on the craze for surprise birthdays. ahh its bad o. Everybody wants to organise surprise birthdays for their friends hoping that those friends will be grateful enough to reciprocate the surprise. That's how we wanted to surprise one of our friends in Eko hotel and suites. We contributed money paid for the hall and everything. So all of us gathered! Only for us to hear that she traveled to the UK that morning. Ahh! Onigbese. Instead of blessing the celebrant, all of us started cursing her. How could she do something like that! Travel without our knowledge. Didn't she know we would want to surprise her? Idiot. Anyways the cake was sweet sha. But why do women love surprise birthdays! One girl has invited me to her surprise birthday before o. She just called me "SLK please my surprise birthday will be holding this Thursday. please I would be honored to have you there."

Some friends could be ingrates though. One girl had played major roles in all her friend's birthday parties. In fact she made sure she did surprise birthday parties for all of them. Believing that on her own big day, her friends will reciprocate and surprise her. Hmmmm my brothers and sisters, you wont believe that it was only her mummy and daddy that came for her "Surprise" party o. The girl was so surprised. I think thats what her friends wanted to achieve. 

This post would not be complete without me dropping something for the men. So MEN OF VALOR (AWUUUUUUU), here is something that will help you. so listen and pay attention (Like they are not the same thing)

Are you a man? Are you in a relationship or married? Are your life's challenges hitting you below the belt? Are you tired of your life?  Do you want to know what it feels like to enjoy the bliss of heaven with the saints? Well look no further because I have the very simple solution in just 3 words. 

FORGET HER BIRTHDAY!!!

Till we meet again at the Lord's feet, continue to rest in peace.....

Yours Truly
SLK



                                     
Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to book SLK for your shows/events, please don't hesitate to contact +234-7035639439. Good night!

Monday, 25 April 2016

EVERYBODY WANTS YOUR MONEY

Statistics have shown that in Lagos (Nigeria's mega-city), if you give money to every one that asks money from you, from the moment you step out of your house, by the next morning, you would be begging for money too. Okay I just made that up. But is it not crazy? I can show a typical day in Lagos to you and you can do the math yourself.

You step out of your house for work in Lekki. Let us say you have a car. As you drive out, you are greeted by a beggar who is showering prayers of protection on you. And you are like "from Akute to Lekki is a long journey, I could use some "safe journey prayers". So you dip your hand in your pocket and give him money. BIG BOY! While you are approaching the junction of your street. You hear a shout 'Oga Your Tyre! Your Tyre'. So since there's a vulcanizer just at the junction you quickly park to have it gauged. You are a big boy! You cant be stepping out to gauge your Tyre. So you just tell him to check the four and gauge where necessary. Of course he gauges the 4 for you and tells you its 500. because the price of air has gone up. What would you do? You are late! So you pay. BIG BOY!! Only for the man that shouted 'your tyre!' to come and meet you that he meant that your tyre was rolling not that it was flat. But the mumu vulcanizer did not bother telling you anything,

The man now opens up to you that he was only trying to stop you because his so has gained admission....in the hospital and he's gathering money. What would you do? you are a big boy! So you dip your hand in your pocket and you give him something! At least even if its 2k. BIG BOY. Then you continue your journey.

Now you are on the main road. Peeping at your wrist watch. Then suddenly, like Dbanj, just as you were about to turn unto a round about, some 'last men' were round about you. 'Oga you wan tell me say you no see the give way sign?'. Give way ke? You look back to check, you see that the 'give way' sign post sef don give way! No wonder you didn't see it! 'Oga we will take you to our office o! But you can relate with us so we wont delay you'. You peep at your wrist watch, peep at your boss' missed calls and what do you do? You dip your hand in your pocket and settle! BIG BOY!

You are now on the Island. You are thinking to yourself, 'akute to lekki is what they are supposed to call IJE - The journey'. What if you didn't now pay that beggar that prayed for you. How bad would the journey have been. Then you see traffic. And you remember 'ohh lekki toll gate'. And because you are a big boy, you passed the Lekki Ikoyi bridge that costs 250. What do you do? You are already late and that's a shorter route. So you dip your hand in your pocket and you pay! BIG BOY!

Now you are in the office. Luckily your boss did not vex. But you had a lot of work to do. You are famished! You need to eat but you can't leave your work. By the way, you are a big boy, you cant eat food from any road side buka. NEVER. God forbid. So what do you do? You call Kundus the cleaner. You ask him to go down to the fast food at the junction because you want to eat your worth. When he gets back, you know he helped you na. Which eye you wan make dem dey take look you for office. Even Kundus sef is giving you pity face. So what do you do? Since there was no change, or so he said, you dip your hand into your pocket and give him money for recharge card. Yeahh like he will use 1500 to recharge his phone. If I hear. 

Its closing time, the security guy is opening the company gate and is giving you that smile. Like the man at the beautiful gate he's looking to receive something from you. You know its only in Nigeria that greeting costs money. He has greeted you too much. You can's just leave him like that na. So what do you do? You dip your hand in your pocket and you 'bless' him!

You are at the toll gate now. Heading to akute. Ofcourse you have to dip your hand in your pocket to pay for toll gate. Once you pass the toll gate, you are sure that no matter what you forgot in the office you can't dare turn back. Even if it is your house key. Its more economical to jack the door. 

Now you are driving home and to your greatest surprise you see a filling station selling fuel! Filling station, selling fuel with no queue!!! Let me explain in case you don't live in Nigeria. Nowadays, in Nigeria, seeing a filling station selling fuel without a queue is like seeing a hot, voluptuous babe in the club dancing alone with no man at all. So you have to seize the opportunity. You didn't even trafficate as you entered. After they sell full tank for you, that's when they tell you its 200 per litre (as opposed to 86N). You are trying to argue and you see the other guy hurrying you up. What would you do? You cant stand there and be arguing with an uneducated fuel attendant. So you dip your hand in your pocket and pay! BIG BOY.

Then you are driving home! At least you have a full tank. Full tank to Nigerians improves our self esteem somehow. You are on the mainland continuing the journey. Its about 9;30pm. Thanks to traffic. Just when you thought you were home and dry. You see the men in black. You first thought it was Zaki Adze because he was shining torch in your eyes. 'Bros bros. Good evening. Show us love baba'. They actually look like they were deprived of love. Even the battery in their torchlight is gone. So what do you do? You dip your hand in your pocket...and you 'show them love'

Now you are on your bed. Counting your losses. Explaining to your wife how you spent your money...i mean your day. You literally spent your day deeping your hand in your pocket. You are even thinking of asking Lukman , your tailor to stop making the pockets of your trouser so deep. Well life goes on. You have to sleep and hopefully you won't start begging in the streets tomorrow. Then suddenly your wife goes 'honey please were you able to send the money for Toyin's wedding's asoebi today'. And immediately you started thinking of calling your lawyer to file for dicorce!!!


Thanks so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed it. If you want to book SLK for your shows/events, please dont hesitate to contact +234-7035639439. Good night!

Sunday, 24 April 2016

Work in Progress

My people!! Been a while. Happy new year. What? Nigerians still say that thing even in December.  Only that they put 'in advance' behind it. So I'm not so late after all. I know whats on your mind? 'Where have you been?' Yeahh I know you miss me. Even me gan I miss my sef. I have been to and fro the earth. Errm okay scratch that.. that would make me the devil. Well I have been working. Let me not lie...I've just been lazy ni jare. But hey Good News!!!! I'm back now.  Yeah.. I'm back like Toolz! *Wink*. Dont judge me...I'm a work in progress!

Work in progress?? What does that even mean? I think that statement makes people that use it feel good about themselves.You know..like an euphemism  of a sort. I once met one of those babes that stand at Allen junction and men pick them up...errrr..what do they call them again. Anyways, while I try to remember what they are called, I checked her instagram page. And her bio goes 'Work In progress'. Which work? Except its the same work Rihanna was referring to. Babe you are not a 'work in progress', you are a WHORE! Yeahh I finally remembered the name.
Infact when you see someone that has "Work in Progress" anywhere on social media please run for your dear life. The condition is critical! 

Its just like when Christians say 'It is well'. How come they only say that when the situation is terrible. I had never seen a woman punch someone in the face until when one woman lost her husband immediately after her shop got burnt just before her only daughter got kidnapped and a passer by said..'eyaa...it is well!'. The woman almost sent the passerby to tell her husband that statement if not for our timely intervention. As a matter of fact.. it was when the doctor saw my grand mother's test results and said 'it is well' that was when we started preparing for her burial.

I remember the encounter I had with one girl. Her instagram page be like porn. From naked pictures to raunchy videos of her and her boyfriend. No...her name is not Maheeda. But I was shocked to find on her bio. 'DONT JUDGE ME...I'M A WORK IN PROGRESS'. Ironically her name was/is Mary! Yes Mary from Virgin Mary. This one doesnt even know what virgin is. The only virgin she knows is owned by Richard Branson.
Well She asked if I should drop her off somewhere. I said sure! Chai that day i was ashamed of my car ehnnn. Who sent me? Me that I know the kind of cabu cabu that i parked outside. When she saw the car, I saw the disgust in her face! I didnt even have her time. I was busy praying that the car should start once and not embarass me. I ran ahead of her into the car to start the starting process. 1st try...No start...2 nd try..still no start. By now she had entered the car. If you have been in this position before, you will agree with me that this is  the time you start answering questions that you were not asked. "Actually i just bought the car off a friend that got a better car and he kinda wanted to dispose this. Its not like my main car..I'm just using it to perfect my driving''
Then she gave me that typical 'who ask you' look. Finally the car started after the 9th attempt. Then she goes 'ahhh its so hot here..please turn your ac on so i don't die' . So i did immediately..trying to make her as comfortable as possible.

One minute later she goes "Ohh you made a mistake, I told you to put on the AC, you mistakenly put on the heater"
I said "Nooo...that's the AC. Its even on the coolest"
Then she said "Please wind down"

Cheii My REP! Na my car this gehh dey use wash. I actually thought that was the worst.  You know sometimes when you are driving, you think your car is moving fast. That was exactly what I thought..until one of these FAN Ice-cream bicycle vendors passed me and was shouting, "Oga e rin le" (Drive fast).
A quick look at the girl, I almost couldn't recognize her. The sweat on her face had turned her MARIE- KAY to MARY Y??? The poor babe couldn't take it anymore. Then she said with a pity mixed with sympathy and understanding look.
"Erm SLK..why not sell this car and add money to it so you can buy a hoverboard. At least that one moves a bit faster"
I didnt know when tears started rolling down my cheeks! I couldn't take that! With tears in my eyes reminiscing on the effort i put into buying the car, I replied her cry!

"What! Please what is it? PLEASE DON'T JUDGE MY CAR! ITS A WORK IN PROGRESS"
Then she took a deep breath and said "IT IS WELL"
Ahhhh my life! My car moved from "Work in Progress" to "IT IS WELL" in one second! CHAIIII....IT IS WELL.





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