Stolen Yarns

Monday, 16 November 2015

Comedian SLK Realeases Brand New Pictures to Mark Birthday.

This is just to say a big thank you t those that sent their messages via one form of social medium or the other, those that called, and tgose that sent text messages on my birthday. God bless you all. Enjoy my new pictures.





























Monday, 9 November 2015

Cinema

Since I hardly go out except my work carries me (which is pretty much quite often), I decided to do movies once in a week. And as a single Lagos boy, most times, I go alone. A lot of people find this very creepy. So I get the "You are here alone?" question all the time. And they always have this shock on their faces as if  I'm supposed to be a Siamese twin.

Well apart from the fact that I' m a loner, I think going to the cinema alone makes so much economic sense. Going alone, all i need to pay for is ONE ticket. Just ticket! Yes I don't even buy popcorn.
Did you just say what will I chew? My brother if I want to chew something....I chew gum! But you cant conserve all these expenses when you go to the movies with someone. Of course going to the cinema with a fellow guy is very disturbing to my very homophobic mind. So I'm left with going with a lady. Now it will be so ungentlemanly of me to go to the cinema with a lady and let her pay. That is still not bad for me. What really annoys me is that these descendants of eve don't just stop there, Wait first, who made popcorn a prerequisite for having a nice time at the movies. 

The painful thing is that these girls watch movies in their houses empty mouthed and empty handed o! As if the money for pop corn is not exorbitant enough, some will even go a step further. I took one girl to the cinema, after we bought ticket, she shocked me by saying she doesn't like popcorn. You should have seen the joy in my eyes. Finally, I found my wife! When I was just about to revel in my good luck, she said: 'I don't like popcorn, I take only Asun, Hot dog, crepes and Ice cream'. ONLY???I had to remind her that its movie we are seeing o, not a birthday party. Immediately she said that I had to convert the movie date to lunch date, since na hungry carry am come. By the way, that's how sometime last year, I went to the cinema to see one Nigerian movie that was based on a book, I went to buy popcorn and they only filled it up to half! I asked why, then they said its because I'm seeing Half of a Yellow Sun.

I remember one other girl, after I had paid for 3 tickets (because the winch brought her cousin along), paid for popcorn, paid for drink, paid for hot-dog etc, we now sat down to watch the movie. At the end of the movie, after the last scene, she now wanted to stand up and be going. When they had not started showing the end credits! If you see the way I pulled her back. 'My friend sit down and finish this movie. My money must not waste! You go watch this credits taya today!'   










In case you didn't know, to the Glory of God, I have been nominated for 2 awards slated for November. (Naija FM Comedy awards and the African Entertainment Legend Awards)
Just to remind you to keep your votes coming if you think I deserve them.

NaijaFm Awards: SMS "SLK UPCOMING COMEDIAN OF THE YEAR" to 33058

AELA : SMS "Award 127" to 33070

Monday, 2 November 2015

13 Billion Pounds!!!

Wait, I don't get.13 Billion Pounds! One man...sorry one woman? We are talking pounds here o. Billion!!
Its like you don't understand the enormity of what I'm trying to say. Let me break it down. It was 1 million Dollars that Olu Maintain hit, that made him release on full hit! 
"Ti m ba hammer, first tin na hummer. ONE MILLION DOLLAR, elo lo ma je ti mba se si Naira!" He even shouted "Ye owo". That's to show you how huge 1m dollars is to him. Infact it was so huge, he formed a new dance! So what if he gets 13 billion pounds, how will Olu maintain his sanity?

When I tried to convert the money to Naira, the calculator burnt. No wonder my mother usually warns me against fine girls. If a woman can devour a full nation, na ordinary man e no go fit devour? 13bn Pounds!!
My neighbour's kids leaped for joy when this news broke out. Not because they love Nigeria so much or they hate crime so much. But because their mother was about to beat them for stealing 400Naira. When she saw the news like this, she gave up. 

Anyways, lets look at the positive side jor. I think she was just trying to show Babangida that "What a man can do, a woman can do better". I don't care whatever it is they want to do with her, my own is that our money must be returned. Even if it means that Nigerians should raise placards.."Bring Back Our Money". Yes o na our money! Infact when I first heard the news, the first thing that came to my mind was "Ehen! No wonder I broke".

By the time she returns all that money, the money wey go dey her account go be like N22,800.  The thought of that can even give you cancer.

But shaa 13billion Pounds! Chaiii There is God o!







In case you didn't know, to the Glory of God, I have been nominated for 2 awards slated for November. (Naija FM Comedy awards and the African Entertainment Legend Awards)
Just to remind you to keep your votes coming if you think I deserve them.

NaijaFm Awards: SMS "SLK UPCOMING COMEDIAN OF THE YEAR" to 33058

AELA : SMS "Award 127" to 33070


Why Frownest Thou?

I had this PHE teacher in JSS2. Pretty young woman..sorry..lady (No Fela intended). Her class used to be one of those "end of school" periods. When your 11year old brain is already closing for the day. 


So there I was in her class, simply minding my own business like the loner I've always been. I didn't need a ruler to know I was keeping a straight face. "Salako why are you frowning your face?" she asked calling my father's name as if he's her mate.
"Nothing ma" I replied.
"Don't frown in my class" 
Helloo..is your class "Night Of a Thousand Laughs"? It didn't make any logical sense to me so I left my face like that. Yes! I can be stubborn like that.
"If you are going to keep frowning then get out of my class" she obviously wasn't smiling when she made this statement. I mean no one can make such statement with a smiling face.
I should leave your class? I stood up and left.By this time, I was actually frowning.
"If you want to ever come back to this class you must write an apology letter, promising never to frown in my class again"
E gba mi! On top my own frown? Is it your frown i'm frowning?Or is there something else there? (Abi se nkan mi wa nbe ni)


I got home and told my mother. Trust Yoruba women she was so pissed! Then came my father. *sigh* . There are 2 people my father would never doubt - a doctor and a teacher. If my teacher tells my dad I raped her, my father will skin me alive without asking questions.
"I'm sure she must have a good reason for that", my dad said. Why wasn't I surprised? "so you must give her that letter first thing tomorrow morning" 
This man just killed my swag.
To cut the short story long, I reluctantly wrote the letter and got back to class.


Few months later, she had an accident and died.
My heart melted. What if I had not written the letter? The guilt would have been crazy.
Looking at it in retrospect, this woman had no idea that I would later in life, make a living from stopping people from frowning. 
Till today, every time something gets to me and I'm about to frown, I remember the promise I was forced to make to my PHE teacher in JSS2 and then I let out a cute smile like the one you see below
!

Thank you Miss Oyewole. RIP