Stolen Yarns

Friday, 28 December 2012

The Day I Bombed.........


N.B: Have you noticed that it is when a typical Nigerian is telling you a sad story that pained him well, that he begins to refer to you as his relative or member of his family even if you haven't met him in your life! For example:





One of the best feelings on earth, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, is the feeling you get when you stand on stage and watch people die of laughter because of what you said a few minuites ago! All the hair on your body stands at attention at that feat! You know I know that feeling well! *winks*! On the flipside of the coin, the worst feeling in the world is what you get after you speak to people and instead of laughing as you intended, they start nodding, taking notes or even crying! You now turn a comedy show into a motivational speech! Pastors do this a lot to cover up their debacle when they crack a joke that did not hit! What they say to break the silence is "....so what am I trying to say?" Are you asking me? No be you talk? "What am trying to say is.... "  Na lie! You were not trying to say anything! You crack joke we no laff!! For comedians, we try to cover up a failed joke by quickly switching to a more reliable joke! And we make a statement immediately after the failed joke "That one no even pain me!" Its a lie na! E pain you na! How e no go pain you when we no laff!

However, slightly worse than this is the feeling you get when you are BOOOOOOOEEEDDD, clapped or, worse still, sung out of stage! Trust me you dont know the half of it! You feel like rapture should take place! Not so that you can go to heaven o, but just so that your booeeers should go to the lake of fire! This phenomenon is what is called, in comedy register, BOMBING! MY BRETHREN, may you never expreience this in Jesus Name! Please if you didnt say amen I beg you please do! Ahhhhh! Yorubas say "eni ija o ba ni npe ra e lokurin" (its he who has never fought that calls himself a man)! MY SIBLINGS, this thing had never happened to me since I started comedy until last week o! (cleans tears).It wasnt funny o (duhh I bombed)! Even the boko boys were scared of me! Ok it wasnt that bad but it was bad! My friend told me I spent 5minutes but I argued with him because, to me, I spent about an hour! Those must have been the longest 5minutes of my life! The devil is so wicked that time begins to slow down! I dropped the fist joke, I thought they didnt hear (actually they didnt even pay attention), then after the second one I heard my echo! Then the devil just makes you feel that you can redeem your image and that's when you begin to step into the boo region! I felt like Jesus Christ at that moment and i felt they were shouting, "crucify him!" because i had gotten a standing ovation from the same audience a couple of weeks back and also on another occasion a round of applause!

But like Chris Rock once said, never blame your audience! I take the blame even though i cracked the same jokes somewhere else the next day and it worked so well! Apparently that day, I was called up just after they had a sex talk with the MC and the previous comedian! And I don't talk sex! So I was saddled with the onerous task of bringing them back to sanity which I failed in badly!!! It was like trying to give "agbo" (herbal mixture) to a child that just took ice-cream! It was a long drive home that night! MY COUSINS, if you could hear my thoughts you would laugh me to scorn! I was now doubting whether this comedy thing is really my thing! Maybe daddy is right! Or maybe God is punishing me for my numerous sins! But like Dave Chapelle said about his bombing at the Apollo theater, that was a redefining moment for me!! Of course I leveraged on that disappointment to superlative performance the next day! MY FATHERS AND MOTHERS, once beaten twice shy! No matter what happened, I still love my jokes!!

Lessons Learnt

The fact that Lionel Messi didnt score in one match does not mean he's not the World's Best Player!
Never be too carried away by success always remember that there's a flip-side to the coin! And when that comes, let it push you to achieving great things!
Let me close with one of my favorite quotes...."the feeling of rejection should not weigh you down but should spur you into ensuring that those that reject you now would come looking for you tomorrow!".....SLK 2012 
















    JOB VACANCY


                                               





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PLAYING WITH NAMES


Hello peeps! This is just one topic I started on twitter a couple of weeks back! Just a parody of some of the names we bear! We expect names to reflect on our lives but hey...they usually don't!  Do you know how many POOR RICHards I know? So please enjoy and feel free to add any if you wish! Just make sure the owners of the names don't locate you! I no send you message o!!


  • The fact that your name is WEMIMO, does not mean you wont have body odor! 
  • I have now noticed that most poor people have "OWO" (money) or "OLA" (wealth) in their names! I met one that had not eaten for 2 days! I asked him for his name he said "FOWOROLA" (USE MONEY TO BUY WEALTH)! Am like dude use that money to buy you a meal!! That's like trekking on the streets with your shirt saying "MY MONEY GROWS LIKE GRASS". My brother na that grass you go chop die!
  • Of course we all know that KONGA is not WELL!
  • Dont think that because your babe's name is "PELUMI' (with me), when your money finishes, she would stay with you! That's when you would know that her middle name is BOLT!
  • Well am sure we all know now that VIRGINia is just a name....nothing more!
  • One building collapsed in my area last week! Heard that the architect made a mistake in the design! Guess the architect's name..... Mr BANKOLE!
  • The fact that your BOSS' name is MOSES does not mean he loves his STAFF
  • I have now noticed that most of the stingy people I know bear "FUNMI" (give me)
  • The fact that her name is LOLa does not mean she Laughs Out Loud!
  • I have noticed that everybody that bears SEGUN is always fine.... wait a minute ...sorry ...i just remembered something! Please ignore that! That was a mistake!!!


















          






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If you want SLK to anchor your event or perform at your event, please send a message to +23407035639439.SMS only please or BB: 25fa5cf5