Stolen Yarns

Friday, 16 November 2012




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Thursday, 15 November 2012



If you want SLK to anchor your event or perform at your event, please send a message to +23407035639439.SMS only please or BB: 25fa5cf5


Yeah wonderful people!! A few days ago happened to be my birthday! At least that's what my mother told me! I guess she knows better! First of all I would like to thank you all for your messages, dms,pms, pings etc! And for some, na only insult then see insult!! Na wa o! They would do the same for you too o! One girl after hearing that it was my birthday shouted ' Ahh so you were born?'! Ehen! I was vomitted! Otondo!

But una harsh o! Dear readers! You wont believe it that I didnt get one single card like this! Kai! Friends are rare o! Instead people just kept on asking, Where is the party? Where is my share of the cake? As if they are stake holders in my life! Your share of the cake ko! Do i look like Nigeria to you! But I believe you guys are happy now! Abi! You girls that wanted to kill me with 'where is my cake and where is my that'! Now I am drinking... sorry soaking garri as I am blogging and for the rest of the week! You are happy now! See girls ordering foods that they have never eaten in their entire lives! And that they would never eat till they die o! They used my birthday to do excursion! Ahhh! E gba mi o! Mo ma se birthday daran ke! Out of frustration I almost wanted to say I wasn't really born that day! Only me wan deny my date of birth! But girls are wicked o! One said she only wanted snacks! I was really happy! I felt that would cut costs! My people, if you see what this aunty ordered!! Na me kon de beg am! 'why not just buy raw flour ehn!' These are the kinda girls my mother warned me about! Awon kokoro ajenirun!!

I know what I would do next year by God's grace! Na from Congo I go de receive una pings! At least nobody sabi me for dia! If you ask me where the party is i would set you up! I would just give you the address of the nearest KFC! I would tell you to order anything you want that I am on my way! Trust these olojukokoro girls! they would go! Ahhh! They would wash plates sha! After that time anybody wey de do birthday den go de run from am!! Eni to ma da gbese si lorun lo n wa!!( takes another scoop of garri with tears)!

Let me go back to my garri before it swells more than this! I just felt I should share my predicament with my readers! I know you are thinking its paining me! Its not paining me o! I just know that God is on the throne and all of you will still do birthday! Noo! me am not crying o (wipes eyes and takes another scoop)! Am not crying am only shedding tears! They are two different things! 

Anyways thank you very much for the love you showed me on my birthday o! They would show you the same kind of love IJN! (Wipes tears) God bless you o!
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A Day At The Bank!!

You all must know that period now! Yes you must! That period in school when you don't have shishi! As in Shingbain! The perilous times!! Or yours might not be in school sef! Even real life o! The easiest way to know when your flatmate or roommate is poor ....sorry has financial challenges is that he begins to check all the pockets of his old clothes! When its not as if he's washing! Yes you do it! You know you do it! That's the time you respect Nigerian money well! You see a child kicking N10 note, you start beating him!
You that you normally would form "Me i can never eat in a buka"! You are the one pricing Iya mukaila'a pomo! You want to wreck the poor woman! Its this kind of period that you suddenly become health conscious! That's when you know that meat causes cancer and a bottle of drink causes diabetes!! I feel your pain my brother and sister! I've been there!

It was in school o! Mmm mm (takes amebo position)! The hot sun was not even helping matters! That time you would easily know students that don't have money! Na dem de dress pass!! After like 2 boring lectures that even made matters worse, (One was so boring the lecturer himself was sleeping) I  decided that I couldn't take it anymore! Here I was, just an ordinary fresher! I didn't know the 'ways'! As if God was answering little SLK's prayers, I got what seemed to me like an epiphany!! I jolted like i just caught a rhema from a Bishop Oyedepo sermon! Off i ran to the bank!! Like Elijah, I outran all the campus shuttles!! What hunger can do!

Am sure you are wondering what entered me! I remembered that I had about N1000 in my account! I figured that I couldn't withdraw everything but, hey, N500 was luxury for me at that moment! So since I didn't have an ATM card then! I carried my withdrawal slip and ran to the bank! If you see the way I was filling the slip sef! Codedly as if I was selling drugs! Suffice to say at this juncture that this particular branch of the bank in school then just opened services like 2 months back! Hence their services were not as mellifluous as they should be! As a matter of fact at that moment the bank itself didn't have cash!! They depended on people that came to deposit! And as the devil would have it, there was no deposit that day! The bank manager was really confused! All of us that came to withdraw were really voicing out our disappointments! See the way I counted myself with the people that came to withdraw like say na better money I come withdraw! They are calling fruits agbalumo sef dey raise hand! Mtcheeew!

The very confused and angry bank manager called about 12 OF US into his office!I guess he was trying to patronize and placate us! He obviously did not know what to do! I think I was even the only dude there that day sef! He decided to ask us one by one how much we were withdrawing so he could know how to manage the situation! ' I just want to withdraw 20,000 naira I need it for my upkeep!' the 1st girl yelled!
'Mine is about 50,000 my hair is due' The 2nd yelled! I heard about 9 other ridiculous amounts like that for very flimsy reasons o! I apparently forgot that it was getting to my turn! Then the manager turned to me o! 'sir how much are you withdrawing?' I looked at him like I was facing God on the last day! 'Me?' I asked trying to dodge the imminent fiasco! 'Yes you sir'! At this moment, I wanted to actually make my way to the front to whisper into his ear but the line was long and choked up! And these spoilt gbeborun girls were already looking at me expecting to hear God knows what!
So I took a surreptitious look at my withdrawal slip (like say no be me write am), took a deep breathe and mumbled out "N500" such that the girls wont hear me! The already impatient manager yelled back "sir pls you would need to speak louder please we don't have much time to waste"
'I said 500!' I replied! To my surprise the girls started winking at me and smiling sheepishly! One even asked for my number! In a few seconds I knew why!
" Wow that's a lot I don't think you can cash  500 thousand naira today! Maybe tomorrow!"
"No sir I meant 500 NAIRA" I yelled back in anger!
"N500? Then we should not keep you waiting!" The useless bank manager did not even reach for the drawer! He went straight to his breast pocket and brought out my money!! If you hear laughs from those spoilt girls that day!! I felt like the ground should open and ... God forbid not swallow me up o! But swallow all of them up! I felt like maybe this is what happened to lagbaja that made him start wearing masks all over the place because that's what I felt like doing!
That was A Day at The bank I would never forget!!! Whats yours?

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