Stolen Yarns

Monday, 3 September 2012

LETTER TO MY FUTURE WIFE






In the spirit of love renting the atmosphere! Especially after, just last saturday, My Elder bro Teju Babyface tied the knots with his sweet potatoe! I am now lead to do something romantic for my own unseen wife! I will make sure I read this to her on our wedding night!


                                                                                                                Somewhere in Lagos,
                                                                                                                Nigeria
My Future Wife
Future Mrs Salako


My Sugar pie,

You know say you no well sa! You dont know? Where you dey since wey you allow all dis useless gels dey give me red card dey waste my time! I dont mean to be rude o! But I think you are kinda slow o! Ahan! Ok am sorry for the outburst ehn! O n dun mi ni! Omo dadaa! Omo to shan! Omo to set! You know you are the only Venus Williams in my Olympic! The only Genevieve in my Nollywood! Am sure you are fair in complexion! A pon bepo re! Em am sure by now you must have come back from calabar! Yes because I  decided within myself that before we marry, my wife must go on escursion to calabar to learn extracurricular activities! I hope its only theory they taught you o! I hope you didnt do practical! Ehen! I even trust you self! Am sure you are a very good girl ehn! I hope you also learnt how to cook sa? It doesnt have to be very sweet just so I dont have ulcer!
Even if you dont know how to cook, not to worry, am sure our house will be in the middle of sweet sensation, tastee fried chicken and KFC! We can always help ourself! Just that the bill will be on you sa! Yes now! Abi its your duty to feel my stomach na! Wait o! Hope you are not Ijebu sa? Because 2 ijebus in one house, there might be problem o! Anyway, even if you are Ijebu, its our children's eyes I pity! Because they will start soaking garri right from their mother's womb!
Thats true, talking about our children! Me I want to be like my own father! Just 2 is enough o! Hope you are not part of those people that pray for their children to surround their dining table! If you are then na stool we go de use chop be dat! Sebi 2 children can sa surround one stool?
Then Yes, I can buy you a car! No problem! Just make sure you give me the money! I know good car shops in Lagos here! Then please when you get your car! Am begging you in the name of Jesus Christ which I believe you serve, if you have any issues with Lastma or Police, dont call my phone! Me I cant fight o! Just kneel down and beg! If you call me, two of us will kneel down and beg together! That's an embarrasment to the whole family! Am sure you don't want that!
The Nutella in my Agege bread, I want to let you know that I love you with all my heart and soul and might! So I wont cheat on you! Yes! I wont! Please dont you dare try it! Because If you dare try it! mmmm! The man will do Aghahowa after he finishes before he finally greets Angel Gabriel Eku ile! Incase you dont know, Aghahowa is that very 'Young' Nigerian footballer that summersaults after scoring a goal!! Yes that reminds me, it would be perfect if you enjoy watching soccer too! But if you dont, please whenever there is a match, no Afmag, or Mnet or mexican soap! And if you happen to be watching the match with me, please dont start asking unneccesary questions! Like 'Did they just score' NOoooo! The net is feeling cold so its shaking! Or 'Is that the final whistle?' Noooo! Its the Angel's Trumpet!
The Icing on my cake,Me I trust you sa! I know you dont have 'H' factor! But please any word you dont know how to pronounce, feel free to say it in Yoruba or your Local dialect! Dont form o! What you dont know ask! I know of a man's wife that was taking pictures with her BB! And we asked her why her flash was not working and she said because she doesn't have enough credit! Well am sure you are not hausa sa! Its not even possible! My father, primary school teachers and every other person that has tried to flog me with cain know how impossble that is! I can catch grenade, jump mountains, pass through fire but I cant chop cain for any woman o! Jesus already did that!
My BB porsche, I'm not really a fan of heavy make up! I love you just the way you are! I will love to take you everywhere I go! And talkabout you like motorolla, please try not to fall my hand sa! If I do anything you dont like, please talk to me! Dont just sulk! I dont know everything! Am not clairvoyant! And please, the fact that I come to the kitchen with you does not mean am your helping hand o! Please dont give me plates to wash! I hate house chores! When I come to meet you in the kitchen, am missing you thats why and I want to play with you! So dont give me onions to cut! BTW Onions always affect my eyes when I cut them! They make me cry! I think its only me it happens to sa!

My Swittz bank, I want you to know that even as an entertainer, I will do everything to ensure that our marriage lasts! Dont mind all those girls that say they love me! Won ko n sere ni  (they are just playing)! Even the ones that touch me! They dont mean it! I am yours for ever and you would be mine till death do us part! I love you so much! I was just joking about that car part o! Ehen! And  please come early o, I dont want to marry late o! I dont want to be attending PTA meeting at age 75! They will now make me PTA chairman by force! So come early! I love you soooo much! Get ready for a life of marital blissss!!!!!!!! I 
love you jor! I love you jor! I love you jare!! (in Jhybo's voice)!

Yours Stupidly in Love,

Salako Oluwaponmile (S.L.K)

















If you want SLK to anchor your event or perform at your event, please send a message to +23407035639439.SMS only please or BB: 25fa5cf5

8 comments:

  1. This is very impressive.I wish u da best of luck

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  2. Very hilarious. Nice (y)

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  3. This just made my day, extremely funny... SLK always proud of you...

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  4. Future Mrs Salako5 September 2012 at 07:13

    LLoL.. @ a point, I tot it would get dry n less funny but u always picked it back up! Hillarious! Anywayz, I'm ur future wife!
    MY CV:
    I'm a very good fair girl who has been to calabar before. I would laugh @ all ur jokes-i mean all of them.. I can cook and my father is a rich man i.e I can sponsfor our Kfc trips..call me! ;-) with love... UR future Mrs

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  5. Wow,see how am blushing as if its me slk is talking to...duh!u re so damn hilarous wish u d best as u search and find her.

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  6. Lwkmd4ere.... U re nt krazy !!! Gud one man. Pascal. Mech engr.

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  7. Eeeya you are too adorable!! Your wifey would enjoy btw I am Calabar;)

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  8. choi.... slk ((((((((((GBAGAUN))))))))))))) i am nw LEAD to do something romantic....ah ah

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