Stolen Yarns

Friday, 27 July 2012

WHY ARE PARENTS LIKE THIS?


Why are parents like this? Can you remember when we were kids (that's if you are not). You must have noticed that it is when you are doing something very interesting! In fact when its reaching the dano sorry peak of enjoyment that your parents send you somewhere! C'mon do I have a witness in the house? You know me now, I always love to give examples to back up my point! I have 3!

I loved soccer so much as a kid and everybody around me knew! In fact I thought I was going to be a professional footballer. I do not want to believe that it was mere coincidence that whenever a UEFA Champions league match is about to start, that's when my father knows its time to call for devotion! Kai! That thing can pain! I remember a very important match like that! Chelsea Vs Barcelona! It was at the 40th minute that my dad knew it was time for devotion! I almost started shedding tears! And that's the time devotion will now be longer than normal! Trust me! We Christians raised in christian homes know that once your father starts prayer with a worship song, you are in for a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong night! To add more pepper,we had to read the word! Psalm 119! You know what that means! As we were reading, we were hearing noises from neighbors! the question on my mind was 'daddy are you sure this people will not go to heaven too?'The long and short of it was that when we finally finished, NEPA did their thing! So we missed the post match highlights! 

Wait a minute! Guess what just happened right now! My mum just came into the room to call me for prayers! NO JOKES! Why are parents like this!

Also as a kid am sure you didn't miss things like Sledge hammer (trust me! I know what am doing...GBOA!), Super force, Power rangers! OK if you don't know this things it means you are young or you are AGED! I remember watching what could have been my most interesting episode of Sledge hammer! Just towards the end! My father struck again! I heard my name from downstairs! I answered! Then he said 'come!' I hurriedly ran down stairs like a mad man! My dad was typing on the computer.I stood for a second! then I said,'am here sir'  'Ehn am coming! Let me finish typing this sentence!' My dad cannot talk and type at the same time! after a few minutes of enduring the feeling of hearing my brothers exclamations, my dad finally had my time!
Daddy: (slowly like 2 words per minute) Em go and get me my ehn....( he had forgotten the word)
Me: (Impatiently) Your phone?
Daddy; No! not that! My ehn... My ehn....!
Me: Your bag?
Daddy: ode what do I want to use my bag for here! Am I travelling? My ehn ki lo tin pe na (what do they call it)
Me: your watch?
Daddy: Are you well? Is this not a wrist watch in my hand or how many do you want me to wear? Am I Ben 10? (OK i added that part).  Wait while I remember, let me finish typing this second sentence!
Me: Ah!

When my daddy finally remembered, I didn't know I was shedding tears! Not because my brother had finished watching both Sledge Hammer and Super Force! No! But because the word he was looking for was HANDSET! Which was the same thing as the 1st word I suggested!

Finally, I can never forget this one! This thing even affected my dream! If you see the dream that I dreamt one day! I dreamt that I sat down o! Then one woman just served me one whole chicken in a plate! Yeh see grove! Full big chicken like this! See me salivating! As i was about to just grab the chicken to eat! Guess what happened! My father was waking me up in the real world! 'Are you well? You are sleeping! Who will wash the plates! Ehn! Common go downstairs now and wash those plates!' Am sure my father was wondering was making me shed tears! You wont give me full meat at home now I wanted to eat beta chicken una no gree! 
After washing the plates, I was determined to go back and dream again! I tried my best to sleep in that same position! Apparently my determination paid off! I dreamt again! That same woman! Served me an even bigger chicken! Just that now the chicken was alive! This chicken was chasing me! I was running! It was chasing me with drum sticks! It got to a point I could not run again! See beat wey dis chicken de beat me! 
My father entered my room and guess what he said! 'Ah! Don't let me disturb this boy he must be enjoying his sleep!' I didn't know when i shouted 'Enjoying what! Daddy I take God take beg you wake me o! Na die I dey!!' 

WHY ARE PARENTS LIKE THIS?






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Exclusive Interview With SLK

Great people! So during the course of the week, moi was interviewed on eva"s blog! Yes! As a star now! So without wasting much of your time, You can just follow this link!

http://evatese.wordpress.com/2012/07/26/exclusive-interview-with-comedian-slk/




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Friday, 20 July 2012

Lagos: Naija's Entertainers' Goshen!

Have you ever wondered why almost every artiste ends up settling in Lagos! I think its because the Lagos audience is naturally appreciative of the songs of the musicians and impervious to the jokes of comedians! Wait I can explain!  Its in Lagos that you get the best paparazzi! You will see fans that don't shout in church on a normal day, tearing their shirt for Whizkid! Or before AY says anything, they don tear belle! Or at the name of tuface every girl must fall and confess that tubaba is hot (and omobaba is not)! Experiences like these make it difficult for artistes to want to leave Lagos! They say experience is the best teacher. Its also the most wicked!


I remember one comedian that went to perform somewhere in Calabar! His first line was his last! He was trying to crack a joke on how our diets affect our looks! Then he chose to start with a cliche (in his life, he wont try it again). 'you know that you are what you eat!' it was like they didn't hear at first then the mumu said it again! 'you know that you are what you eat!' And that was the end of Solomon Grundy! If you see beat! Like say na Don Jazzy! While they were beating him they were calling each other! "gan u imayin!mbong dis boy is corring us dog!''


I heard that rooftop MCs were feeling fly and they flew to Warri! When they were going back, na ABC den carry! Warri fans humbled them! Warri fans turned rooftop mcs to Tiles! 


What first of all annoyed the fans was that after the MC called them, they were still wasting time! Forming swag! Trust Warri youths! They gathered in one accord ( baby boy to be precise!). They don redi to fall dia hand!

Rooftop Mcs: Yeah! Yeah! Warri make some nooooooiiiiise!
Fans: Say hu die? wetin your pikin loss?


RooftopMcs: Am sure y'all know Lagimo!yeah!
Fans: Hu sing am na MJ?


RooftopMcs: Okk! Yoh! Take ma picture (shows them the mic to complete)
Fans: U go kill our battery!


Rooftop Mcs; Guys around the world are (shows them the mic again to complete)
Fans: Finer than you!


Rooftop Mcs: And the ladies are screaming (shows the mic)
Ladies: Your fada! Commot stage!


That was the straw that broke the camel's back!

Finally I heard that Artquake went to Borno state to do a show! omo den get mind o! They now went to do their hit track... alanta! The hall was jam-packed! They were so happy! They started; 'e be like faya, dey burn my body'. And you know those our brothers don't like film trick! They are very realistic people! 'Kai walahi i no see any faya for dia body?sule make we frefare veta faya por dem!' 
Come and see where this people were cooking bomb! The fat one was already dancing away his destiny on stage while the other one noticed them cooking the bomb! Before we knew it, song don change! The guy had to tap his 2nd!
'ode open you hands because we wan fly away!Meet me for house emi o fiku sere! ALANTA!' If you see race! Even if they planned to blow am sure that was not the way they would like it! That was the end of the show! Who wan die! 










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Wednesday, 11 July 2012

WELCOME TO MY CHURCH: THE ROCK OF AGES STILL STRANGLES THE DEVIL!


'If you are a witch or wizard in this church right now, your time is up!', the pastor shouts before he brings out a handkerchief to clean his face...well looks to us like his face is the one cleaning the handkerchief because even from the back of the 150 seater church we can perceive the odor of the handkerchief! oh I forgot to welcome you! My bad! Welcome to THE ROCK OF AGES STILL STRANGLES THE DEVIL BECAUSE THE KINGDOM OF GOD ID AT HAND PENTECOSTAL FIRE MINISTRIES! (panting heavily) and this is the last day of our 30 day revival!
'Church say the devil is a liar!' the pastor continues more vehemently! 'In case you didn't hear me the first time, I'm going to re-repeat it again! I said If you know you are a witch or wizard here today come out! The spirit is telling me that they are here! So if you stay in the river... you are a WATER WITCH, if you stay inside the leaves of plants... you are a GREEN WITCH and even if you stay inside the dust of the ground ... You are a SAND WITCH! COME OUT! now! We are going to deal with you!'
Now if you hear this kind of this kind of statements and you are in church with your wife, and  six DAUGHTERS,then you will feel a little bit scared!This is the plight of Mr.Williams who is sitted at the back with his family! 'My bible tells me! Suffer not a witch to live! All you witches and wizards here come out now!' 
Now Mr Williams begins to look at his daughters one by one with an eye of scrutiny! Then all of a sudden, the last daughter jumps up to go out! 'What? where to?' Mr Williams asks trying to doubt his ever sharp eagle eyes! The same eyes that saw his daughter steal meat from the pot all the way from the gate! 'I want to go and wiwi' she says already jogging like a super eagles substitute! 'Ehn Wiwi there!!' he replies the 6 year old abruptly as if it were her fault that her bladder is full! To Mr Williams surprise by the time he turns his face, his wife is nowhere to be found! He then looks up and sees his wife walking towards the altar! Still doubting his eyes he asks for confirmation from his daughter. 'Is that not my wife?' His daughter replies 'No daddy, that's mummy!'
As if fired by a jet-pack, Mr Williams jolts up from his pew and runs through the aisle determined to stop his beloved wife! He got towards the altar and taps his wife 'honey. are you the witch?'
'what!' his wife yells back! 'Have you forgotten that am an  usher and i have to help co-ordinate the altar call!' He feels much better but this feeling is short-lived! As he tries to make his way back to his pew, two ushers grab him! These ushers actually look more like bouncers! 'Where are you running to?' the 1st one yells! 'Oh you felt the power of God and decided to run abi? Today is the judgement day!'
Mr Williams smiles  and replies 'brethren actually, am not a witch!'
The second 'bouncer' smiles back 'That's what we are saying you cant be a witch! You can only be a wizard!'
'No am neither! Actually I came to....

Pastor yells 'The devil is a liar! Grab him! We will deal with him! So you are the wizard holding back the growth of my ministry! You will die today! I will show you that THE ROCK OF AGES STILL STRANGLES THE DEVIL BECAUSE THE KINGDOM OF GOD IS AT HAND!'
They drag him off to the inner room........where there will be ass WHIPping and gnashing of teeth!!




                                                   




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BABA IJEBU!!!!!

Sorry peeps! Its been a while! No thanks network problems!




I was at my neighbors house and I discovered that they had, earlier in the day visited the eatery- she and her three kids! Yeah! I know for most of us we are like 'and so?' Now lemme explain! In my life sorry that's a mistake.. in my entire life! I have never seen my daddy in an eatery! Never never never!(and am not joking)! 
One day I even wanted to ask him whether sometime in his life an eatery collected his land or something? Its like he's beefing them! Its so bad that one day my mum took us on a trip to Sheraton (It was not far from our house but it was still a trip because since then we had been reminiscing) my father did not follow us and he was at home! I know what you are thinking! No no! He's not a poor man
Lemme explain! My father happens to be an Ijebu man ( thats a part of Nigeria synonymous to stinginess) Now to worsen situations... He read ECONOMICS! Yeah thats like a brazilian studying soccer or better still an Iraqi studying nuclear power! You can imagine how frugal my daddy is! Suffice to say that the only way you can get a million from him is to put school behind it! If not, then you will need to hire a SAN to defend yourself in the court (daddy's room)!

To worsen things he's now very smart! So you can not easily lie to him! My brother and I used to hold strategic planning meetings so we can get the better of him! After all 2 heads they say are better than one! So this makes it more difficult to get money from him! As a matter of fact, I wasn't one of those kids that was always given pocket money before I entered university! The fact is we actually thought we were poor! I think that was his plan! I remember we went for a wedding of a close family member on environmental Saturday! Since we were going to help organize, we had to get there before 7'0 clock and we did! At about 9 while we were still arranging stuff, my dad told me that I would go out after the environmental sanitation to buy detergent so that he can wash his already dirty handkerchief and spread it in the car!!!!!!!!! Now let me explain... New handkerchief is just 50 naira! Ah!


So you would understand my shock when one day I received a call from my dad that he was at Mr Biggs then and he was trying to find out what to buy for me! Out of shock i hanged up! He called back and said the same thing! So I just said 'Chicken and Ice cream!' My dad replied 'elo ni yen.. o o serious' (how much is that? You are not serious).My father came back and to my greatest surprise I saw Mr Biggs nylon! I was so happy! I almost wanted to call my friends! Thank God I didnt! I opened the Nylon and lo and behold..the unmistakable aroma of hot MOI MOI greeted me! My father had gone to Mr Biggs to buy moi moi!


Finally I can never forget fun fair day! My secondary school had organised it for the relaxation of students! A day where various eateries would bring their tents to school to sell stuff among other things! It was a day we looked forward to as students! So it was necessary for students to bring money to buy things or you buy chewing gum so people will see you eating constantly and think you bought so many things! And so I went to explain it to my daddy (Without a SAN! A step I later regretted!). My daddy, after hearing my case asked for a letter from the school to that effect (using his own words). After much persuasion (on my own part) and further conviction (on his own part), I was happy! He reached for his pocket! I had finally broken the ice! Now everybody in school will know that I came for fun fair! Lemme start listing my goodies, chicken, chips, ice cream, salad.... It was in the middle of these thoughts that my father, handed me 150 NAIRA Mint!!!


 "If you buy 20naira amala, 3 then one pomo and one shaki! dont forget to bring my change o! 
AH BABA IJEBU!!!!!







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Saturday, 7 July 2012

10 WRONG TIMES TO SING THE RIGHT SONGS

These songs happen to be all time favourites of Nigerians but however, when these songs are sung at some particular situations, then they may spell doom for the singer ....or sometimes the singee!
Lets check them out


1)If you are driving and policemen stop you.....Pls do not try to sing or play E MA DA MI DURO! I heard they dont like it! Its rude and they would definitely disobey your orders!


2) If you are walking past a soldier in the Nigerian army or any army for that matter! (KNEELING DOWN) Please, I beg you! Do not sing I CAN BE YOUR SCAPEGOAT! Verily Verily I say unto you....you will not eSCAPE...GOAT!




3) If armed robbers attack you...Please do not sing WON KERE SI NUMBER WA! Because they will show you that Majority does not carry the vote!


4) Please If armed robbers shoot your hand..Pls dont shout OSE! because a yoruba proverb says omo to ba dupe ore ana a ri omiran gba (a child that says thank you for yesterday's blessing will collect another one today) They might bless you again! Advise: If u must be Dbanj..shout MOGBE instead!


5) If you happen to be sitted on a bike in Lagos..please do not sing TORI MO JOKO SINU BENTLEY PORSCHE ATI HUMMER! Remember God hates liars! BTW you will have to prove it when he wants to collect his money!


6) If you meet an Ibo female friend of yours in the mall or in an eatry...Please you don't have to sing YOU MUST CHOP MY MONEY!...she knows already!


7) If you are a nurse and you are checking your patient's temperature.....Thats the wrongest time to sing O GBONA FELI FELI BI AMALA TO JINA!


8) If as a doctor you are checking your patient's heartbeat.....Dont sing YOU DEY MAKE THIS HEART GO PIM PIM! PIMPIMPIM! PIMPIMPIMPIM! PIMPIMPIMPIMPIMPIM! AHAHN Doctor!


9) The mistake you will make is to stand beside a popular yoruba gospel musician, laugh and sing....ENI DURO! I heard he hates that song!


10) Finally, If you are a surgeon, operating on someone's heart, I beg you in the name of God the Father! Please dont sing..HE'S GOT ICEBOX WHERE IS HEART USED TO BE! because he will hear you! And he would become COLD! i.e he would DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


















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Thursday, 5 July 2012

GBAGAUN! (THE UNMISTAKABLE SOUND OF A GRAMMATICAL BLUNDER)

Early in the morning, Monday for that matter, my manager at my workplace (I was on IT) decided to cause problems! You people know am very gentle and little things get to me! But this man got to me that day (trust me the man was huge)! Early in the morning he wanted to start a third world war all by himself! so he called me! ...'
SLK! Go and get me the Civil engineerERS!!'
What! EngineerERS ke! In which company! On a second thought, I gave him the benefit of the doubt! Maybe he's talking about people that NEAR ENGINES!

For those reading this from outside Nigeria, GBAGAUN is a word used in our parlance to depict grammatical blunders! Trust me, in this my country, it is needed! Don't blame us, if the head is bad, the body will also be bad! I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING O!
                                                        TYPES OF GBAGAUNS
There are some GBAGAUNS that end arguments!
I remember a heated argument between my friends one day! All of a SUDDENLINESS, the controversy was resolved! Ki lo de (what happened)! Gbagaun happened!
Me: Who knows her better between Steve and Femi
Femi: (already passionately furious and involved in the argument) What kind of question is that! Me of course! (wait for it) I KNOWS her, I KNOWS her father, I KNOWS her mother. I KNOWS all her family members! 
END OF ARGUMENT! WE ALL WENT TO BED! COMON SAY NIGHTMARE (IN BISHOP OYEDEPO'S VOICE)

Some kill hunger!
The party was sweet o! Going smoothly! Then it was time to eat and they sent a man to our table! We didnt know the man was a Yoruba Suicide bomber! (Yoruba is one of the three major Nigerian tribes)! Little wonder none of us was there to taste the delicacy! Please don't try this delicacy at home....it might be dastardly of you!
CHEF: We have a lot on our menu today. There is fried rice, Jollof rice, salad, Pounded yam, Vegetables, and to cap it all up (yes wait for it!) over there we have ASSAULTED GOAT MEAT!
Me: What?
CHEF: (With more confidence as if someone is questioning his catering knowledge!) ASSAULTED MEAT! ASSAULTED! ASSAULTED! We made sure we ASSAULTED the GOAT......MEAT for your enjoyment!
Like I said don't try that dish!!!

Finally, some GBAGAUNS send people away!
In Lagos, petty traders sometimes use chalk boards to advertise their goods by the road side! This one was written on a wall with permanent marker! Permanent marker because it stays on the mind of the reader forever hunting his destiny! And she will be wondering why people don't patronize her business. Pls read!
YOU CAN BUY YOUR KEROSENE HERE AT AVOIDABLE (affordable) PRICES!
I didn't need a Daniel to decode the writing on the wall!


Please lets henceforth watch our language! Be considerate! People deserve to live! HAVE A GREAT DAYs.....sorry DAY!













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TEACHER AND KUNDUS - EPISODE 2

So am guessing you all enjoyed Episode 1! Remember Kundus is just a character that sees life from a different perspective from what his teacher sees! So y'all have to put on your INTELLIGENT caps for this! Here is episode 2! Enjoy like coke!

Teacher: Which football club has the memory of a computer
Kundus:  Man Utd! Cos they have 1 giggs!


Teacher: Why did your grand mother pass her red skirt on to your mother?
Kundus: Because its TRANS-PARENT


Teacher: Where on earth can the king also be the subject at the same time
Kundus: IN A SENTENCE


Teacher: How do we spread videos!
Kundus: We spread Videos ONLINE using VIDEO CLIPS!


Teacher: What do you call an insect that runs away with our wife
Kundus: An ANT-ELOPE


Teacher: Which is the laziest food on earth
Kundus: Moi moi Cos its always on LEAVE


Teacher: How do you know that Jesus loves good music
Kundus: Cos He's the ROCK of ages!


Teacher: Are tour fingers happy when you fold them together
Kundus: Yes duhh! They are in a FEAST!


That's all for Episode 2! Hope I didn't make you feel too stupid! Would Appreciate it if you let me know your favorite! Thanks a bunsh!!!








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Wednesday, 4 July 2012

THE KOKO- AN ODE TO NAIJA MUSIC!

My name is SLK and the topic of my message title is THE KOKO! God is going to speak to you today! A lot of you girls want to be KOKOLETS! You really want that title! I tell you, YOU ARE BAD THATS WHY YOU WANT IT! I know some of you are asking 'KI NI BIG DEAL?' I will tell you! Instead of you to wait till you FALL IN LOVE, get a TRUE LOVE and be someone's AFRICAN QUEEN! Noo! You go about like a BUSY BODY, looking for someone to ENTER THE PLACE! Then SUDDENLY, you GET SQUARED! Then your mother starts shouting EKAETTE BELLE! What is the IMPLICATION of this! You become a woman of the street i.e you increase your STREET CREDIBILITY and at this point, there is FIRE ON THE MOUNTAIN! Dont you know that these guys are CAPABLE of doing you STRONG THING! Once they finish with you, you will not even be able to HOLLA AT YOUR BOY again! Dont you know that sooner or later GONGO ASO, then you begin to question God, 'WHY ME? God 'WHY ME?' Is it God's fault?I mean can you IMAGINE THAT? You forgot God, he forgot you! Its a situation of DO ME I DO YOU! When we were warning you, you were saying E FI MI LE! Just because DADDY E O SINILE, you wanted to RUN AWAY! We tried to stop you but you shouted E MA DA MI DURO! And KURUKERE, you eventually did! Now OJU E A JA! All because you want more like OLIVER TWIST, the devil made you a SCAPEGOAT!


God is saying, CALL MY NAME and I will answer. God wants to be CLOSE TO YOU but you fail to realise that he is NEVER FAR AWAY! Its your parents I pity! Because they now discover that you were UNDERRATED because you are NOT THE GIRL THEY USED TO KNOW!
So ladies, lets stop this FREE MADNESS, Kick against peer pressure! We need ORIGINALITY!
Ladies and gentlemen.....THIS IS THE KOKO!!!






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Tuesday, 3 July 2012

SLK... THE GRADUATE WITHOUT A GOWN!!!!

I tried my best not to do this but I was forced to after reading what my pal and buddy (no Homo), Gabriel uploaded on his blog!http://thegabrielesu.wordpress.com/2012/06/27/gabriel-the-failure-the-imperfect-graduate/
Hence this would be the most serious piece so far on this blog! I hope am able to keep it serious till the end!

Let me explain... Am Salako Oluponmile, in 2007 I put in for Electrical and electronics engineering and was expected to be through last week friday according to the school's calendar! Right now, according to the school, I am not qualified to be through since I have so many units of courses on my head! I wish I could carry so much physically, I would probaly be a professional bouncer now! Now hear this (in Bishop Oyedepo's voice). I am not sad in any form and I repeat... I AM NOT SAD about not being through with Electrical and Electronics Engineering at the stipulated time! I am only sad because my parents are sad and this takes its toll on me! Dont blame me.. I love them and that's why I might still go back to complete Electrical and Electronics Engineering!

I am not sad because, as far as I am concerned, I graduated 2 years back!! And so seeing my colleagues celebrate theirs for me is like... 'you guys are welcome!' When it comes to academic glory, like Gabriel, I have tasted it to a very large extent. I was actually once an 'academic'! But as time went on, I became wiser! I told myself, 'Boy, you know you cant do this (Elect Elect) in life!' This is not my field! Its not my calling (I will talk more about calling in another post)! I was only FLOWING with the norm like most of the 'graduates' did! In this part of the world, there is an academic norm which has gradually defeated the real reason behind school! That was the norm my naive mind was following then! I actually didnt know what I was doing...until I had this epiphany (if you are lost, check it up in the dictionary), I got 'worried' about the future i saw! It was not pleasant! I saw a Mr Salako landing a great job but boning to work everyday! I saw Mr Salako having a great car but sad driving it down to work! I knew then that doing something you dont love is like marrying the wrong wife,,,,,,you are screwed!!!

I am an advocate of the fact that immediately you know the truth,,,you will be set free! Since I was gradually discovering my purpose and calling then, I knew I had to focus. That was, for me, when I gained admission into school....yeah the entertainment school. Let me pause there a bit, I want to be very practical now. Put aside whatever mindset 'society' has imposed on your mind and follow logic! What is a school! I would tell you what school is or was intended to be vis a vis what it has turned out to be in this part of the world! School is a place set aside to:

  • develop you in your CAREER! By this we mean actual training in your caeer! Hence the courses we now have decided to study! These are people's careers that overtime have been enshrined into the 'modern school' curriculum but the ones that havent been able to make it into the 'modern school' curriculum can still be learnt! 
  • develop a strong network that would help you through life. This has to do with intepersonal skills and interdependence. No wonder most great men today met their colleragues or business partners while in school!
  • Package you for your career! This takes care of your dressing, your command of the language, etiquettes..e.t.c.It even goes as far as your spiritual life!
Look at these functions of school carefully! Don't they look like what you see in someone that makes the person educated to you? Now you will agree with me that it is after all these have been achieved then one GRADUATES! That's what the ancient school founders wanted to achieve! That's the reason behind all the prerequisites for graduation that they laid behind! That's why they made sure you will pass all the courses (which is like ensuring that you are good and grounded in your career),you don't go to class alone (which is like ensuring that you build a strong network with people), and you learn comportment, decency and character!
Does this look like what obtains now! Nope! We are now a degree driven people.
1st of all, most 'graduates' study another career that is  not theirs! this is partly due to naivety on their part (I fall under this category) or parental pressure. So you see a called Pilot in Accounting class! The result is that most of them come out unqualified in their field of study because its not their field!
Secondly, a lot of 'graduates' never did any other thing apart from class, library hostel!
Thirdly, a lot of 'graduates' cant speak well to save their lives! they don't know how to queue up at public places, they litter the streets of Lagos and yet, they have degrees! Check the great men on earth, they achieved these three things!

My people, to me this is what real graduation is and this I achieved One year and some months after I took the decision! I decided to focus on my career! And I do not regret doing so! Now I can say, unlike a lot of ma colleagues graduating that not only do I have a TRADE, I know MY ONIONS like a French Chef! You will probably understand better when I post on purpose but this piece is just to explain why I'm not moved by  not finishing Electrical and Electronics Engineering!
What makes you a graduate is not he paper handed to you on convocation day! The truth is that people don't care! You don't care about the accounting degree of the surgeon operating on you as much as his ability to do so! I often say, don't go after qualification, go after ability, because you can fault qualification but you can never fault ability.The certificate is supposed to be an award for ability! That's why a degree is AWARDED! Convocation is a thing of the mind! There is no need for a convocation gown without a convocated mind!!!!!!!!!!


Let me spend the last few words of this piece stamping on why I am actually very happy!
I'd rather have a career without a degree than have a million degrees without a career! (suffice to define career, for me, as the pursuit of God's purpose fore your life!) I have an entertainment 'ministry' that am busy with! And I discovered this in school! I cut my entertainment teeth in school! I developed my entertainment skills in school! I graduated as an entertainer from school! (suffice also to say, that convocation means that you have learnt enough to start your career on your own! Little wonder in a place like Harvard they call convocation commencement)
In all modesty I am one of the most respected among my peers not because of my academics (duhhh!) but because people respect people that are very good at something! I have a long list of awards which I cherish more than any degree from another discipline!One of these awards includes, surprisingly (to you not to me), the BEST GRADUATING STUDENT in my college! This award was obviously based n student's opinion! This award was based on the students' perception of who was the best graduating student (they didnt even know i was not convocating ....cos they didn't care). It then dawned on me that, if in an academic environment, they forgot about your academic results then how much more the world at large! Now hear this (In Bishop Oyedepo's voice), I then discovered at that point that the world is not interested in your DEGREE of QUALIFICATION but your DEGREE of CONTRIBUTION. I was also sent the same message that was sent to Gabriel as one of the Icons of the set! In fact, I was attending alumni meetings where none of my peers could be found! The people I have been priviledge to meet and adress, most of my peers cannot smell it! I have no doubt to the fact that the world bows to ability and cares less about your irrelevant degrees! (e.g a pilot's accounting degree is useless to us, so is an Accountant's chemistry degree, so is an entertainer's engineering degree) What made us love Segun Odegbami is not his Engineering degree, but his ability on the field! What makes us love Naeto C is not his Msc! But his rhymes!
And so Gabriel, you should not cry! Little do you know how much they envy us! (maybe not the part that we are still on campus)! We have a life, a lot of them dont! Am not saying this to console you! This is what I've always believed and I can stand by it any day!

The only point of sadness is seeing the tears in my parents eyes because the norm has eaten into the fabrics of their minds! I wish i could continue but am aware not all the readers that started this journey are reading this now, some have fallen by the way side, some are crashing.... sorry... sleeping now! But whatever I hope you learnt!



So to the new graduates I congratulate you from the depth of my heart! Please make sure you are fulfilling purpose!
to my friends still in school guess we are still together! 
to my parents, am so sorry! Am just one stubborn boy who holds fast to his beliefs!
To everybody reading this, am sorry I had to bore you! I wont do this again for a very looong time! This was just very necessary!!!!!!!!
I am SLK, the Graduate without a Gown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL 

ARE YOU FAT?


A lot of you that think you are fat might change your mind after this piece! A lot of you don't know if you are fat or not but this might help.
1) If you cant enter a bus without paying for two..... you are fat!


2) If your fitted white shirt happens to be my doctor's OVERALL..... you are fat!


3) If you cant enter an auditorium through any entrance apart from the main entrance.....you are fat!


4) If your mattress touches your bunk mate's head whenever you sleep on the top bunk............you are fat!


5) If on your wedding day your husband feels polygamous.......you are fat!


6) If you ever make an elephant feel inferior.........you are fat!


7) If you have to be hugged in twos and threes.....you are fat!


8) If only you spreads just one of your skirts on a line and you still complain of space.....you are fat!


9) If in church your neighbor tells ONLY you that 'Jesus loves you' when the pastor says 'tell 7 people'..you are fat!


10) Finally, If this poem is annoying you right now.............then YOU MUST BE FAT!!!!!!







If you want SLK to anchor your event or perform at your event, please send a message to +23407035639439.SMS only please.

Monday, 2 July 2012

You Know Its Fake

Am sure all of us have at one time or the other felt fly with our selves after we purchased a new product.Then a serious crash occurred when we then discovered that we got the bootleg version, the fake, aka Aba made!So this piece will give you clues to know when its fake! Lets go!


You Know its fake When:



1)You discover that you are drinking Ribena but its BOOST you bought!


2)You insert an AIRTEL simcard and its showing you ECONET on the screen


3)You find agbalumo seeds in your Five Alive


4)You open your table water and it gases


5)the keys on your laptop are arranged in alphabetical order


6)Your brand new camera snaps the person holding it!


7)your eclairs has onion flavour


8)Wole Soyinka is on low-cut on your TV screen


9)Your Don Moen cd is playing Snoop Dog


10)Taiye Taiwo is prince charmong on your own TV!








If you want SLK to anchor your event or perform at your event, please send a message to +23407035639439.SMS only please.

An ode to the premiership
I was at the airPORT’S MOUTH, about to LEAVE THE POOL, called Nigeria, when all of a sudden! I saw an ARSENAL of the nearest country POMPING towards meREADING in between the lines, I knew I was a GUNNER! There I was like in the MIDDLE OF A LARGE BOUROUGH But I knew 1 thing; GOD IS IN THE PARK
They came like RED DEVILS,dressed in red BAGGIES. I tried to run as fast as a TROTTER but I got stocked when I met, on my way, a brand NEW CASTLE I HAMMERED my way through the locked gatesI believed that I was NEVER WALKING ALONEI saw different creatures in this place, including BLACK CATSStill THE REDS were behindThey really didn’t give in but set the castle ablaze. All over my body were BLACK BURNS
I came out, looked up and saw the SUN ON THE LAND, only for me to discover that they had disappeared into the BLUES
As I was about to cross the BRIDGE, I arose from my THEATRE OF DREAMSOnly to realise that I was in a CRYSTAL PALACE with an empty bottle of CHELSEAI was only a PENSIONER!
I am PETER BARCLAYS- the retired captain of England’s PREMIER SHIP!!!!

Sunday, 1 July 2012

MR FARUQ!!!!!



Please this is the latest nursery rhyme! Make your child memorize this and his life will never remain equal...sorry the same!






                                         MR FARUQ- By Akin Akinrinade
Mr Faruq loves to potty. Mr Faruq has never missed 10:00am in his bathroom.

Mr Faruq loves fresh air. He opens his windows when he potties at 10:00am 

every morning.


Mr Faruq’s neighbours live close to Mr Faruq. Mr Faruq’s neighbours are not 

happy at 10:00am every morning. Mr Faruq’s neighbours perceive a stench at 

10:00am every morning. They complain to Mr Faruq.


Mr Faruq’s landlord is disgruntled. He receives complaints from Mr Faruq’s 

neighbours. Mr Faruq’s neighbours complain to Mr Faruq’s landlord of the stench 

that comes from Mr Faruq’s bathroom when Mr Faruq opens the windows while 

he potties at 10:00am every morning. The landlord is angry at Mr Faruq for 

making the neighbours unhappy.


Mr Faruq’s landlord orders Mr Faruq to close his windows when he potties at 

10:00am every morning. Mr Faruq obeys the landlord. Mr Faruq’s landlord and 

Mr Faruq’s neighbours are happy.

  

Mr Faruq’s landlord and Mr Faruq’s neighbours are unhappy. Mr Faruq is dead. 

He died in the morning. Mr Faruq died when he closed the windows while 

pottying at 10:00am in the morning. Mr Faruq choked to death.

SLK'S WISE WORDS!


                                     Follow SLK on twirra! @SLKomedy   
                                                


                                      WISE SAYINGS
You can’t get these anywhere so pay rapt attention to these wise words.
11)    One good turn deserves another in England but in Lagos, one good TURN saves you from LASTMA
22)    A river that forgets its source will dry up so also the Spaghetti that forgets its SAUCE can never be sweet!
33)    The fact that your name is WEMIMO does not mean you can’t have Body Odor
44)    The fact say you be carpenter no mean say you go first HAMMER
55)    Cold bitter lemon is better than hot coke
66)    No matter how hungry you are, you can’t use oBAMA to eat bread
77)    The fact that you are a good DRUMMER does not mean you smell nice. (Sammy take note!)
88)    Na mess wey quiet dey smell pass!
99)    No EMPLOYER can be better than Moses who, everywhere he went, never forgot his STAFF
110)                       You might have Chivita, you might have Five Alive. Am still more superior because I have Jesus- the King of the JUICE!
So you must have discovered now that I am the wisest man ever! Have a great week. GOD BLESS YOU