Friday, 28 December 2012

The Day I Bombed.........

N.B: Have you noticed that it is when a typical Nigerian is telling you a sad story that pained him well, that he begins to refer to you as his relative or member of his family even if you haven't met him in your life! For example:

One of the best feelings on earth, MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS, is the feeling you get when you stand on stage and watch people die of laughter because of what you said a few minuites ago! All the hair on your body stands at attention at that feat! You know I know that feeling well! *winks*! On the flipside of the coin, the worst feeling in the world is what you get after you speak to people and instead of laughing as you intended, they start nodding, taking notes or even crying! You now turn a comedy show into a motivational speech! Pastors do this a lot to cover up their debacle when they crack a joke that did not hit! What they say to break the silence is " what am I trying to say?" Are you asking me? No be you talk? "What am trying to say is.... "  Na lie! You were not trying to say anything! You crack joke we no laff!! For comedians, we try to cover up a failed joke by quickly switching to a more reliable joke! And we make a statement immediately after the failed joke "That one no even pain me!" Its a lie na! E pain you na! How e no go pain you when we no laff!

However, slightly worse than this is the feeling you get when you are BOOOOOOOEEEDDD, clapped or, worse still, sung out of stage! Trust me you dont know the half of it! You feel like rapture should take place! Not so that you can go to heaven o, but just so that your booeeers should go to the lake of fire! This phenomenon is what is called, in comedy register, BOMBING! MY BRETHREN, may you never expreience this in Jesus Name! Please if you didnt say amen I beg you please do! Ahhhhh! Yorubas say "eni ija o ba ni npe ra e lokurin" (its he who has never fought that calls himself a man)! MY SIBLINGS, this thing had never happened to me since I started comedy until last week o! (cleans tears).It wasnt funny o (duhh I bombed)! Even the boko boys were scared of me! Ok it wasnt that bad but it was bad! My friend told me I spent 5minutes but I argued with him because, to me, I spent about an hour! Those must have been the longest 5minutes of my life! The devil is so wicked that time begins to slow down! I dropped the fist joke, I thought they didnt hear (actually they didnt even pay attention), then after the second one I heard my echo! Then the devil just makes you feel that you can redeem your image and that's when you begin to step into the boo region! I felt like Jesus Christ at that moment and i felt they were shouting, "crucify him!" because i had gotten a standing ovation from the same audience a couple of weeks back and also on another occasion a round of applause!

But like Chris Rock once said, never blame your audience! I take the blame even though i cracked the same jokes somewhere else the next day and it worked so well! Apparently that day, I was called up just after they had a sex talk with the MC and the previous comedian! And I don't talk sex! So I was saddled with the onerous task of bringing them back to sanity which I failed in badly!!! It was like trying to give "agbo" (herbal mixture) to a child that just took ice-cream! It was a long drive home that night! MY COUSINS, if you could hear my thoughts you would laugh me to scorn! I was now doubting whether this comedy thing is really my thing! Maybe daddy is right! Or maybe God is punishing me for my numerous sins! But like Dave Chapelle said about his bombing at the Apollo theater, that was a redefining moment for me!! Of course I leveraged on that disappointment to superlative performance the next day! MY FATHERS AND MOTHERS, once beaten twice shy! No matter what happened, I still love my jokes!!

Lessons Learnt

The fact that Lionel Messi didnt score in one match does not mean he's not the World's Best Player!
Never be too carried away by success always remember that there's a flip-side to the coin! And when that comes, let it push you to achieving great things!
Let me close with one of my favorite quotes...."the feeling of rejection should not weigh you down but should spur you into ensuring that those that reject you now would come looking for you tomorrow!".....SLK 2012 



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Hello peeps! This is just one topic I started on twitter a couple of weeks back! Just a parody of some of the names we bear! We expect names to reflect on our lives but hey...they usually don't!  Do you know how many POOR RICHards I know? So please enjoy and feel free to add any if you wish! Just make sure the owners of the names don't locate you! I no send you message o!!

  • The fact that your name is WEMIMO, does not mean you wont have body odor! 
  • I have now noticed that most poor people have "OWO" (money) or "OLA" (wealth) in their names! I met one that had not eaten for 2 days! I asked him for his name he said "FOWOROLA" (USE MONEY TO BUY WEALTH)! Am like dude use that money to buy you a meal!! That's like trekking on the streets with your shirt saying "MY MONEY GROWS LIKE GRASS". My brother na that grass you go chop die!
  • Of course we all know that KONGA is not WELL!
  • Dont think that because your babe's name is "PELUMI' (with me), when your money finishes, she would stay with you! That's when you would know that her middle name is BOLT!
  • Well am sure we all know now that VIRGINia is just a name....nothing more!
  • One building collapsed in my area last week! Heard that the architect made a mistake in the design! Guess the architect's name..... Mr BANKOLE!
  • The fact that your BOSS' name is MOSES does not mean he loves his STAFF
  • I have now noticed that most of the stingy people I know bear "FUNMI" (give me)
  • The fact that her name is LOLa does not mean she Laughs Out Loud!
  • I have noticed that everybody that bears SEGUN is always fine.... wait a minute ...sorry ...i just remembered something! Please ignore that! That was a mistake!!!


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Friday, 16 November 2012



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Thursday, 15 November 2012



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Yeah wonderful people!! A few days ago happened to be my birthday! At least that's what my mother told me! I guess she knows better! First of all I would like to thank you all for your messages, dms,pms, pings etc! And for some, na only insult then see insult!! Na wa o! They would do the same for you too o! One girl after hearing that it was my birthday shouted ' Ahh so you were born?'! Ehen! I was vomitted! Otondo!

But una harsh o! Dear readers! You wont believe it that I didnt get one single card like this! Kai! Friends are rare o! Instead people just kept on asking, Where is the party? Where is my share of the cake? As if they are stake holders in my life! Your share of the cake ko! Do i look like Nigeria to you! But I believe you guys are happy now! Abi! You girls that wanted to kill me with 'where is my cake and where is my that'! Now I am drinking... sorry soaking garri as I am blogging and for the rest of the week! You are happy now! See girls ordering foods that they have never eaten in their entire lives! And that they would never eat till they die o! They used my birthday to do excursion! Ahhh! E gba mi o! Mo ma se birthday daran ke! Out of frustration I almost wanted to say I wasn't really born that day! Only me wan deny my date of birth! But girls are wicked o! One said she only wanted snacks! I was really happy! I felt that would cut costs! My people, if you see what this aunty ordered!! Na me kon de beg am! 'why not just buy raw flour ehn!' These are the kinda girls my mother warned me about! Awon kokoro ajenirun!!

I know what I would do next year by God's grace! Na from Congo I go de receive una pings! At least nobody sabi me for dia! If you ask me where the party is i would set you up! I would just give you the address of the nearest KFC! I would tell you to order anything you want that I am on my way! Trust these olojukokoro girls! they would go! Ahhh! They would wash plates sha! After that time anybody wey de do birthday den go de run from am!! Eni to ma da gbese si lorun lo n wa!!( takes another scoop of garri with tears)!

Let me go back to my garri before it swells more than this! I just felt I should share my predicament with my readers! I know you are thinking its paining me! Its not paining me o! I just know that God is on the throne and all of you will still do birthday! Noo! me am not crying o (wipes eyes and takes another scoop)! Am not crying am only shedding tears! They are two different things! 

Anyways thank you very much for the love you showed me on my birthday o! They would show you the same kind of love IJN! (Wipes tears) God bless you o!
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A Day At The Bank!!

You all must know that period now! Yes you must! That period in school when you don't have shishi! As in Shingbain! The perilous times!! Or yours might not be in school sef! Even real life o! The easiest way to know when your flatmate or roommate is poor ....sorry has financial challenges is that he begins to check all the pockets of his old clothes! When its not as if he's washing! Yes you do it! You know you do it! That's the time you respect Nigerian money well! You see a child kicking N10 note, you start beating him!
You that you normally would form "Me i can never eat in a buka"! You are the one pricing Iya mukaila'a pomo! You want to wreck the poor woman! Its this kind of period that you suddenly become health conscious! That's when you know that meat causes cancer and a bottle of drink causes diabetes!! I feel your pain my brother and sister! I've been there!

It was in school o! Mmm mm (takes amebo position)! The hot sun was not even helping matters! That time you would easily know students that don't have money! Na dem de dress pass!! After like 2 boring lectures that even made matters worse, (One was so boring the lecturer himself was sleeping) I  decided that I couldn't take it anymore! Here I was, just an ordinary fresher! I didn't know the 'ways'! As if God was answering little SLK's prayers, I got what seemed to me like an epiphany!! I jolted like i just caught a rhema from a Bishop Oyedepo sermon! Off i ran to the bank!! Like Elijah, I outran all the campus shuttles!! What hunger can do!

Am sure you are wondering what entered me! I remembered that I had about N1000 in my account! I figured that I couldn't withdraw everything but, hey, N500 was luxury for me at that moment! So since I didn't have an ATM card then! I carried my withdrawal slip and ran to the bank! If you see the way I was filling the slip sef! Codedly as if I was selling drugs! Suffice to say at this juncture that this particular branch of the bank in school then just opened services like 2 months back! Hence their services were not as mellifluous as they should be! As a matter of fact at that moment the bank itself didn't have cash!! They depended on people that came to deposit! And as the devil would have it, there was no deposit that day! The bank manager was really confused! All of us that came to withdraw were really voicing out our disappointments! See the way I counted myself with the people that came to withdraw like say na better money I come withdraw! They are calling fruits agbalumo sef dey raise hand! Mtcheeew!

The very confused and angry bank manager called about 12 OF US into his office!I guess he was trying to patronize and placate us! He obviously did not know what to do! I think I was even the only dude there that day sef! He decided to ask us one by one how much we were withdrawing so he could know how to manage the situation! ' I just want to withdraw 20,000 naira I need it for my upkeep!' the 1st girl yelled!
'Mine is about 50,000 my hair is due' The 2nd yelled! I heard about 9 other ridiculous amounts like that for very flimsy reasons o! I apparently forgot that it was getting to my turn! Then the manager turned to me o! 'sir how much are you withdrawing?' I looked at him like I was facing God on the last day! 'Me?' I asked trying to dodge the imminent fiasco! 'Yes you sir'! At this moment, I wanted to actually make my way to the front to whisper into his ear but the line was long and choked up! And these spoilt gbeborun girls were already looking at me expecting to hear God knows what!
So I took a surreptitious look at my withdrawal slip (like say no be me write am), took a deep breathe and mumbled out "N500" such that the girls wont hear me! The already impatient manager yelled back "sir pls you would need to speak louder please we don't have much time to waste"
'I said 500!' I replied! To my surprise the girls started winking at me and smiling sheepishly! One even asked for my number! In a few seconds I knew why!
" Wow that's a lot I don't think you can cash  500 thousand naira today! Maybe tomorrow!"
"No sir I meant 500 NAIRA" I yelled back in anger!
"N500? Then we should not keep you waiting!" The useless bank manager did not even reach for the drawer! He went straight to his breast pocket and brought out my money!! If you hear laughs from those spoilt girls that day!! I felt like the ground should open and ... God forbid not swallow me up o! But swallow all of them up! I felt like maybe this is what happened to lagbaja that made him start wearing masks all over the place because that's what I felt like doing!
That was A Day at The bank I would never forget!!! Whats yours?

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Monday, 3 September 2012


In the spirit of love renting the atmosphere! Especially after, just last saturday, My Elder bro Teju Babyface tied the knots with his sweet potatoe! I am now lead to do something romantic for my own unseen wife! I will make sure I read this to her on our wedding night!

                                                                                                                Somewhere in Lagos,
My Future Wife
Future Mrs Salako

My Sugar pie,

You know say you no well sa! You dont know? Where you dey since wey you allow all dis useless gels dey give me red card dey waste my time! I dont mean to be rude o! But I think you are kinda slow o! Ahan! Ok am sorry for the outburst ehn! O n dun mi ni! Omo dadaa! Omo to shan! Omo to set! You know you are the only Venus Williams in my Olympic! The only Genevieve in my Nollywood! Am sure you are fair in complexion! A pon bepo re! Em am sure by now you must have come back from calabar! Yes because I  decided within myself that before we marry, my wife must go on escursion to calabar to learn extracurricular activities! I hope its only theory they taught you o! I hope you didnt do practical! Ehen! I even trust you self! Am sure you are a very good girl ehn! I hope you also learnt how to cook sa? It doesnt have to be very sweet just so I dont have ulcer!
Even if you dont know how to cook, not to worry, am sure our house will be in the middle of sweet sensation, tastee fried chicken and KFC! We can always help ourself! Just that the bill will be on you sa! Yes now! Abi its your duty to feel my stomach na! Wait o! Hope you are not Ijebu sa? Because 2 ijebus in one house, there might be problem o! Anyway, even if you are Ijebu, its our children's eyes I pity! Because they will start soaking garri right from their mother's womb!
Thats true, talking about our children! Me I want to be like my own father! Just 2 is enough o! Hope you are not part of those people that pray for their children to surround their dining table! If you are then na stool we go de use chop be dat! Sebi 2 children can sa surround one stool?
Then Yes, I can buy you a car! No problem! Just make sure you give me the money! I know good car shops in Lagos here! Then please when you get your car! Am begging you in the name of Jesus Christ which I believe you serve, if you have any issues with Lastma or Police, dont call my phone! Me I cant fight o! Just kneel down and beg! If you call me, two of us will kneel down and beg together! That's an embarrasment to the whole family! Am sure you don't want that!
The Nutella in my Agege bread, I want to let you know that I love you with all my heart and soul and might! So I wont cheat on you! Yes! I wont! Please dont you dare try it! Because If you dare try it! mmmm! The man will do Aghahowa after he finishes before he finally greets Angel Gabriel Eku ile! Incase you dont know, Aghahowa is that very 'Young' Nigerian footballer that summersaults after scoring a goal!! Yes that reminds me, it would be perfect if you enjoy watching soccer too! But if you dont, please whenever there is a match, no Afmag, or Mnet or mexican soap! And if you happen to be watching the match with me, please dont start asking unneccesary questions! Like 'Did they just score' NOoooo! The net is feeling cold so its shaking! Or 'Is that the final whistle?' Noooo! Its the Angel's Trumpet!
The Icing on my cake,Me I trust you sa! I know you dont have 'H' factor! But please any word you dont know how to pronounce, feel free to say it in Yoruba or your Local dialect! Dont form o! What you dont know ask! I know of a man's wife that was taking pictures with her BB! And we asked her why her flash was not working and she said because she doesn't have enough credit! Well am sure you are not hausa sa! Its not even possible! My father, primary school teachers and every other person that has tried to flog me with cain know how impossble that is! I can catch grenade, jump mountains, pass through fire but I cant chop cain for any woman o! Jesus already did that!
My BB porsche, I'm not really a fan of heavy make up! I love you just the way you are! I will love to take you everywhere I go! And talkabout you like motorolla, please try not to fall my hand sa! If I do anything you dont like, please talk to me! Dont just sulk! I dont know everything! Am not clairvoyant! And please, the fact that I come to the kitchen with you does not mean am your helping hand o! Please dont give me plates to wash! I hate house chores! When I come to meet you in the kitchen, am missing you thats why and I want to play with you! So dont give me onions to cut! BTW Onions always affect my eyes when I cut them! They make me cry! I think its only me it happens to sa!

My Swittz bank, I want you to know that even as an entertainer, I will do everything to ensure that our marriage lasts! Dont mind all those girls that say they love me! Won ko n sere ni  (they are just playing)! Even the ones that touch me! They dont mean it! I am yours for ever and you would be mine till death do us part! I love you so much! I was just joking about that car part o! Ehen! And  please come early o, I dont want to marry late o! I dont want to be attending PTA meeting at age 75! They will now make me PTA chairman by force! So come early! I love you soooo much! Get ready for a life of marital blissss!!!!!!!! I 
love you jor! I love you jor! I love you jare!! (in Jhybo's voice)!

Yours Stupidly in Love,

Salako Oluwaponmile (S.L.K)

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Saturday, 18 August 2012


Yoruba traders are one of the funniest people to watch! You could have a filled day just sitting in a garage in Lagos (that's of course if you dont have a job) and watching the hawkers advertise and sell their goods! Or petty canteen owners preferably called BUKAs attend to their hungry customers! I would want to do a little bit of juxtaposition between Ibo traders and their Yoruba counterparts! Of course there is no doubt that the Ibo traders are more successful at doing businEEss! IBO KWENU! 

At this juncture, let me do a bit of introduction of both parties for the benefit of our foreign readers! The Ibos    are a group of wonderful people in Nigeria! Just like football is to Brazillians, and technology is to the chinese, so is businEEss to the average ibo man! In Nigeria, they majorly reside in the East (that does not directly imply that they are wise men!). While the Yorubas on the otherhand are party loving, party loving and party loving people! Suffice to say that you can effectively feed on parties in a Yoruba land as there is always a party going on! In Nigeria they majorly reside in the west (that does not directly imply that they are civilised men!). They also like to 'form' that they can sell things! So you can see why am comparing the two of them when it comes to merchandise! I am going to examine 3 major points in which the ibos capitalise on to become better businessmen!

Point No 1
I think the major reason Ibos do better is that they go specific! check out these business names Chucks Motors, Nnamdi and Sons Spare parts , Okoro International Elctronics E.T.C! This is a sharp contrast from the Yorubas! All my people will just put up is IYA IBEJI! Thats all! Then the next thing you will look for is what she does NOT sell! Inside IYA IBEJI, you would see soap, toilet roll, kerosene, newspaper, pepper, apple, coke, bread, petrol, t-shirt, Blackberry, camfour, exercise book, house girl (for sale), fridge, lottery e.t.c! Research has proven that almost every street in lagos has an Iya Ibeji! One day I asked the one on my street (jokingly) if she had tickets because I wanted to travel! Her response shocked me!
'A ni!(we have) Ewo le fe (which do you want) Arik wa, Aero wa, Virgin wa, Belview wa, Sosoliso wa, koda gan Dana naa wa! I ran for my dear life! I asked for tickets to Abuja not tickets to heaven's gate!

Point No 2
Another reason for their trading success is that the Ibos are quite businEEs minded when it comes to trading! They see customers as customers not as family members! So the next time you see an Ibo petty trader, he would most likely call you 'My guy!' or at most, 'my brother!' NO! Not the yorubas! I dont know if is humility or sheer desperation,but a yoruba trader will not only make you a member of his family by fire by force, he will put you on a very high position in her/his family tree! Yorubas can FAMZ (form familiarity)! I was walking across a fairly old woman's shop! By my observation, this woman would be in her late 60s! I was shocked when she called on me, 'Daddy mi, ewo le fe ra? (MY DAD WHICH DO YOU WANT TO BUY?)' How na? Your daddy! While I stood there trying to farthom how a young fine boy (why are you coughing?) like me could father his grandma's age mate, I didn't know the little 5yr old boy beside me had to grapple with a much greater responsibility! This woman shouted to the boy, 'BABA OKO MI! (My father-in-law)' What? All because of ordinary sweet! How can you put such an onerous responsibility on this little boy! No wonder the poor boy was crying!

Point No 3
A lot of people are of the opinion that we yorubas are dirty! Helloooo! I disagree! I am a proud yoruba boy!   Let me explain! Food business is a business a lot of Nigerians run away from, but we Yorubas happen to be the only ones that do it! Duuhhh! we sell anything remember? So that's why you might think we are dirty! You guys would have to eat what you see! But we yorubas no dey try sometimes sa! If you see when a colony of yoruba women are making amala, you will understand why it has that salty taste! Not to mention pounded-yam! You will understand why, instead of pure white, the colour is whitish brownish yellow (dependng on the number of women that pounded it)! Duhhh! Why do you think its that sweet! Natural causes! I remember vividly the day I went to buy roasted corn from Iya Ibeji (Yes she sells roasted corn too and roasted yam, and roasted plantain and ...oooh dont let me start listing again!). Let me say at this juncture that am a corn freak! An ardent corn fan! As a kid, I ate corn till I was CONscious! I noticed that the sale was interrupted by a call from her son a few metres away! I was still focused on the tantalising aroma of the corn and fantasizing on how delicious this one will be! I jolted back to consciousness when she came back with wet hands! out of curiousity, I asked what she went to do! Then she replied, 'Ma da obun yen loun! O sese yagbe tan ni so mo lo tamba fun (Dont mind that dirty boy he just finished defaecating so I went to clean him up!) So which one do you want? this one is N50 (touches it) this one is N30 (touches it too) but all these are N70 (touches everything)' Tears gathered in my eyes! I would have cried but for the simple reason that am a man (i guess)! The reason was not the corn I did not buy anymore but the tonnes I had eaten all through my life! I said it! My being tall was not ordinary! (Crying) Ah! Iya Ibeji!!!

Trust me its gonna be DA BOMB. Tickets selling fast so u better start buying yours... I no say booking O... I said BUY BUY BUY cos u can't afford to miss THIS EVENT. Limited tickets available o. For your Tickets, c
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I have now noticed that women are likehonda cars! If you know names of some honda cars, you wil understand what am saying!

  • If your girl likes to treat you well, takes care of you and watches over you! You can call her HONDA BABY BOY! Because that's what you are to her!
  • If your girl is loyal and always agrees with you all the time, you can call her HONDA ACCORD
  • If you girl is very sophisticated! She loves to tush her self up with the latest thus chopping your money, you can call her IV TECH
  • If your girl is very principled and very strict! You can call her HONDA CIVIC
  • If your girl doea not sleep at night but goes for strange meetings feel free to call her HONDA EVIL SPIRIT
  • If your girl is that type of girl that when you see early in the morning makes you shout 'JESUS!', then you can call her HONDA HALLA!
  • Finally, on the other hand, two men can be talking price tins in the market! "I've told you I cant pay N15000 I only have N10000!" ' Noo! Ok Make it N14000' Then all of a sudden a pretty girl passes!    "You know what I would pay N20000.. Baby come!Baby.." That kind of girl you call her HONDA END OF DISCUSSION!

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Thursday, 9 August 2012


Trust Nigerians! Any new tin wey come, we must to chuck hand! Nigerians! Na so we take frustrate HI5! Now only  celebrities are on HI5! By the way I heard that Baba Fryo and Father U-turn have just joined! There was a massive exodus to facebook and twitter! Everybody is tweeting now! Even those that dont know anything! I asked one girl for her twitter handle the other day, she told me it had broken but that she would soon fix it! One thing our celebrities don't know is that armed robbers are on twitter too! If you put your address on twitter, they are ready to FOLLOW you!

The really crazy one was the advent of facebook! Infact, I was so into it! I remember my mother (who apparently had no idea of social networking) was calling me one day when I was religiously facebooking! 'Olu! Olu!' I said, 'mummy am on facebook!' she said 'ehn oo de bole! (ehn come down now!)'. Facebook was like the mainstay! People got sacked at work because of that thing o! One guy got into trouble now! He WENT TO GO AND like one lady's picture! He now commented, "baby you look very sexy and hawt! You are putting ideas in my mind!' He didnt know that was his pastor's wife! He started explaining the ideas to his pastor! 'Sir I meant new church growth ideas' Infact I think it was when people noticed that their pastors have joined facebook that they ran to twitter! And for some of us, our parents! Talking about facebook, you know that anybody can come on facebook and put any name and picture just to decieve you! You know how fake facebook can get now! The day I can never forget was when I asked my mother out without knowing! I have never seen such a traditional red card before! 'Olu! Abi Ori e yi? Se mi lo n ba soro!'

My facebook story is a quite interesting one sa! When I joined facebook! I had only one friend! Am telling you! No am not wicked! That one friend was more valuable than five thousand! My hero! When he comfirmed the friendship, I wanted to die! I did not believe my eyes! Oh I haven't told you his name! Mmm! Michael Jackson! Yes MJ! I am very serious! No jokes now!  I was the envy of my friends! I told them why I didnt accept thier pending friend requests! To top it up, sometimes I had the priviledge to chat with him! Am serious am not joking! For 2 straight years, he was my only friend on facebook! My friends used to even send me to him! People actually respected me because of that o! Until unfortunately in 2009, we heard about his demise! The kind of tears I shed that day ehn! I could not believe my one and only  ESSENCE, sorry Facebook love (No homo) was gone!
And so that night I decided to write something on my hero's wall!
 'You were more than a friend to me! More of an Inspiration! God knows why he took you away! Though you are dead, your manhood still lives on the minds of men (yes she stole my line!) RIP michael! '
After I sent this piece and closed my laptop, I heard a knock on my room door! 'Yes come in!' It was our houseboy and I'm like 'Mike please am not eating!' Then he's like, 'no no be food o! If na food e better! why you go dey curse me for my wall na?' 'Your wall? we just painted it na' So I went to his room and i didnt see anything on his wall! "oga na my Facebook I de talk!'
WHAT! MIKE! NA U BE MICHAEL JACKSON? The rate at which I deleted him ehn! I added all my friends even the ones that didn't send me request!Now I have 5000 friends! 

This Saturday! Come and have fun and get empowered at the same time! Ft Temitayo, Kore, Soundsultan, SLK and lots more! Speakers are Adeolu Akinyemi, and Dakore Egbuson! Just N2000! Tickets available at the venue!!!

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Wednesday, 8 August 2012


Just thought of some really wierd moments! Some are just wild imaginations while some are inspired by true happenings!  Lets check them out!

  1. That awkward moment when you discover that you asked the wrong twin out! Na dsame dsame!
  2. That awkward moment when you are caught red handed stealing meat from the pot by your mother and you have to pretend its a normal thing! What is it not our meat!
  3. That awkward moment when you hold down a key on your computer keyoard expecting it to type in uppercase! Too much BB!
  4. That awkward moment when you give your best pose in a group photograph and then you discover that you didnt appear! Ah! TAKE 2!
  5. That awkward moment when you rush out of the bathroom to pick yoour ringing phone only to discover that its a flash! Na to call the person insult am o!
  6. That awkward moment when super eagles win a match! If I hear!
  7. That awkward moment when your girl smiles at you at 9pm and says to you "Baby today is my birthday"! You know that the next thing is to kneel down!
  8. That awkward moment when your father is dancing azonto! Daddy it doesnt look good in agbada! 
  9. That awkward moment when you raise your hand to ask a question in class for minutes and your lecturer finally points at you then you discover that you have forgotten the question you wanted to ask!   Sir em can i ask a question? Yes go ahead! Em Thats my question!
  10.  That awkward moment when your mother that carried you for 9 months, laboured for about 12 hrs in the labour room, breastfed you for a year (for some 5), looks at you and tells you WAKA! Mum you just insulted yourself!!!!

TGIF NIGHT coming soon... Trust me its gonna be DA BOMB. Tickets selling fast so u better start buying yours... I no say booking O... I said BUY BUY BUY cos u can't afford to miss THIS EVENT. Limited tickets available o. For your Tickets, c
all Nelson 08033102703 (Omole), Yinka 08094001191 (Ikeja), Victor 08184174013 (Festac), Dammy 08028969470 (OTA), Bisi 07066556908 (Jakande/Ajao Estate), Grant 08022154011 (Ikeja/Oshodi) and (Adaku Osuwah) Mocality 08188904321

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Friday, 27 July 2012


Why are parents like this? Can you remember when we were kids (that's if you are not). You must have noticed that it is when you are doing something very interesting! In fact when its reaching the dano sorry peak of enjoyment that your parents send you somewhere! C'mon do I have a witness in the house? You know me now, I always love to give examples to back up my point! I have 3!

I loved soccer so much as a kid and everybody around me knew! In fact I thought I was going to be a professional footballer. I do not want to believe that it was mere coincidence that whenever a UEFA Champions league match is about to start, that's when my father knows its time to call for devotion! Kai! That thing can pain! I remember a very important match like that! Chelsea Vs Barcelona! It was at the 40th minute that my dad knew it was time for devotion! I almost started shedding tears! And that's the time devotion will now be longer than normal! Trust me! We Christians raised in christian homes know that once your father starts prayer with a worship song, you are in for a loooooooooooooooooooooooooooooong night! To add more pepper,we had to read the word! Psalm 119! You know what that means! As we were reading, we were hearing noises from neighbors! the question on my mind was 'daddy are you sure this people will not go to heaven too?'The long and short of it was that when we finally finished, NEPA did their thing! So we missed the post match highlights! 

Wait a minute! Guess what just happened right now! My mum just came into the room to call me for prayers! NO JOKES! Why are parents like this!

Also as a kid am sure you didn't miss things like Sledge hammer (trust me! I know what am doing...GBOA!), Super force, Power rangers! OK if you don't know this things it means you are young or you are AGED! I remember watching what could have been my most interesting episode of Sledge hammer! Just towards the end! My father struck again! I heard my name from downstairs! I answered! Then he said 'come!' I hurriedly ran down stairs like a mad man! My dad was typing on the computer.I stood for a second! then I said,'am here sir'  'Ehn am coming! Let me finish typing this sentence!' My dad cannot talk and type at the same time! after a few minutes of enduring the feeling of hearing my brothers exclamations, my dad finally had my time!
Daddy: (slowly like 2 words per minute) Em go and get me my ehn....( he had forgotten the word)
Me: (Impatiently) Your phone?
Daddy; No! not that! My ehn... My ehn....!
Me: Your bag?
Daddy: ode what do I want to use my bag for here! Am I travelling? My ehn ki lo tin pe na (what do they call it)
Me: your watch?
Daddy: Are you well? Is this not a wrist watch in my hand or how many do you want me to wear? Am I Ben 10? (OK i added that part).  Wait while I remember, let me finish typing this second sentence!
Me: Ah!

When my daddy finally remembered, I didn't know I was shedding tears! Not because my brother had finished watching both Sledge Hammer and Super Force! No! But because the word he was looking for was HANDSET! Which was the same thing as the 1st word I suggested!

Finally, I can never forget this one! This thing even affected my dream! If you see the dream that I dreamt one day! I dreamt that I sat down o! Then one woman just served me one whole chicken in a plate! Yeh see grove! Full big chicken like this! See me salivating! As i was about to just grab the chicken to eat! Guess what happened! My father was waking me up in the real world! 'Are you well? You are sleeping! Who will wash the plates! Ehn! Common go downstairs now and wash those plates!' Am sure my father was wondering was making me shed tears! You wont give me full meat at home now I wanted to eat beta chicken una no gree! 
After washing the plates, I was determined to go back and dream again! I tried my best to sleep in that same position! Apparently my determination paid off! I dreamt again! That same woman! Served me an even bigger chicken! Just that now the chicken was alive! This chicken was chasing me! I was running! It was chasing me with drum sticks! It got to a point I could not run again! See beat wey dis chicken de beat me! 
My father entered my room and guess what he said! 'Ah! Don't let me disturb this boy he must be enjoying his sleep!' I didn't know when i shouted 'Enjoying what! Daddy I take God take beg you wake me o! Na die I dey!!' 


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Exclusive Interview With SLK

Great people! So during the course of the week, moi was interviewed on eva"s blog! Yes! As a star now! So without wasting much of your time, You can just follow this link!

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Friday, 20 July 2012

Lagos: Naija's Entertainers' Goshen!

Have you ever wondered why almost every artiste ends up settling in Lagos! I think its because the Lagos audience is naturally appreciative of the songs of the musicians and impervious to the jokes of comedians! Wait I can explain!  Its in Lagos that you get the best paparazzi! You will see fans that don't shout in church on a normal day, tearing their shirt for Whizkid! Or before AY says anything, they don tear belle! Or at the name of tuface every girl must fall and confess that tubaba is hot (and omobaba is not)! Experiences like these make it difficult for artistes to want to leave Lagos! They say experience is the best teacher. Its also the most wicked!

I remember one comedian that went to perform somewhere in Calabar! His first line was his last! He was trying to crack a joke on how our diets affect our looks! Then he chose to start with a cliche (in his life, he wont try it again). 'you know that you are what you eat!' it was like they didn't hear at first then the mumu said it again! 'you know that you are what you eat!' And that was the end of Solomon Grundy! If you see beat! Like say na Don Jazzy! While they were beating him they were calling each other! "gan u imayin!mbong dis boy is corring us dog!''

I heard that rooftop MCs were feeling fly and they flew to Warri! When they were going back, na ABC den carry! Warri fans humbled them! Warri fans turned rooftop mcs to Tiles! 

What first of all annoyed the fans was that after the MC called them, they were still wasting time! Forming swag! Trust Warri youths! They gathered in one accord ( baby boy to be precise!). They don redi to fall dia hand!

Rooftop Mcs: Yeah! Yeah! Warri make some nooooooiiiiise!
Fans: Say hu die? wetin your pikin loss?

RooftopMcs: Am sure y'all know Lagimo!yeah!
Fans: Hu sing am na MJ?

RooftopMcs: Okk! Yoh! Take ma picture (shows them the mic to complete)
Fans: U go kill our battery!

Rooftop Mcs; Guys around the world are (shows them the mic again to complete)
Fans: Finer than you!

Rooftop Mcs: And the ladies are screaming (shows the mic)
Ladies: Your fada! Commot stage!

That was the straw that broke the camel's back!

Finally I heard that Artquake went to Borno state to do a show! omo den get mind o! They now went to do their hit track... alanta! The hall was jam-packed! They were so happy! They started; 'e be like faya, dey burn my body'. And you know those our brothers don't like film trick! They are very realistic people! 'Kai walahi i no see any faya for dia body?sule make we frefare veta faya por dem!' 
Come and see where this people were cooking bomb! The fat one was already dancing away his destiny on stage while the other one noticed them cooking the bomb! Before we knew it, song don change! The guy had to tap his 2nd!
'ode open you hands because we wan fly away!Meet me for house emi o fiku sere! ALANTA!' If you see race! Even if they planned to blow am sure that was not the way they would like it! That was the end of the show! Who wan die! 

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Wednesday, 11 July 2012


'If you are a witch or wizard in this church right now, your time is up!', the pastor shouts before he brings out a handkerchief to clean his face...well looks to us like his face is the one cleaning the handkerchief because even from the back of the 150 seater church we can perceive the odor of the handkerchief! oh I forgot to welcome you! My bad! Welcome to THE ROCK OF AGES STILL STRANGLES THE DEVIL BECAUSE THE KINGDOM OF GOD ID AT HAND PENTECOSTAL FIRE MINISTRIES! (panting heavily) and this is the last day of our 30 day revival!
'Church say the devil is a liar!' the pastor continues more vehemently! 'In case you didn't hear me the first time, I'm going to re-repeat it again! I said If you know you are a witch or wizard here today come out! The spirit is telling me that they are here! So if you stay in the river... you are a WATER WITCH, if you stay inside the leaves of plants... you are a GREEN WITCH and even if you stay inside the dust of the ground ... You are a SAND WITCH! COME OUT! now! We are going to deal with you!'
Now if you hear this kind of this kind of statements and you are in church with your wife, and  six DAUGHTERS,then you will feel a little bit scared!This is the plight of Mr.Williams who is sitted at the back with his family! 'My bible tells me! Suffer not a witch to live! All you witches and wizards here come out now!' 
Now Mr Williams begins to look at his daughters one by one with an eye of scrutiny! Then all of a sudden, the last daughter jumps up to go out! 'What? where to?' Mr Williams asks trying to doubt his ever sharp eagle eyes! The same eyes that saw his daughter steal meat from the pot all the way from the gate! 'I want to go and wiwi' she says already jogging like a super eagles substitute! 'Ehn Wiwi there!!' he replies the 6 year old abruptly as if it were her fault that her bladder is full! To Mr Williams surprise by the time he turns his face, his wife is nowhere to be found! He then looks up and sees his wife walking towards the altar! Still doubting his eyes he asks for confirmation from his daughter. 'Is that not my wife?' His daughter replies 'No daddy, that's mummy!'
As if fired by a jet-pack, Mr Williams jolts up from his pew and runs through the aisle determined to stop his beloved wife! He got towards the altar and taps his wife 'honey. are you the witch?'
'what!' his wife yells back! 'Have you forgotten that am an  usher and i have to help co-ordinate the altar call!' He feels much better but this feeling is short-lived! As he tries to make his way back to his pew, two ushers grab him! These ushers actually look more like bouncers! 'Where are you running to?' the 1st one yells! 'Oh you felt the power of God and decided to run abi? Today is the judgement day!'
Mr Williams smiles  and replies 'brethren actually, am not a witch!'
The second 'bouncer' smiles back 'That's what we are saying you cant be a witch! You can only be a wizard!'
'No am neither! Actually I came to....

Pastor yells 'The devil is a liar! Grab him! We will deal with him! So you are the wizard holding back the growth of my ministry! You will die today! I will show you that THE ROCK OF AGES STILL STRANGLES THE DEVIL BECAUSE THE KINGDOM OF GOD IS AT HAND!'
They drag him off to the inner room........where there will be ass WHIPping and gnashing of teeth!!


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Sorry peeps! Its been a while! No thanks network problems!

I was at my neighbors house and I discovered that they had, earlier in the day visited the eatery- she and her three kids! Yeah! I know for most of us we are like 'and so?' Now lemme explain! In my life sorry that's a mistake.. in my entire life! I have never seen my daddy in an eatery! Never never never!(and am not joking)! 
One day I even wanted to ask him whether sometime in his life an eatery collected his land or something? Its like he's beefing them! Its so bad that one day my mum took us on a trip to Sheraton (It was not far from our house but it was still a trip because since then we had been reminiscing) my father did not follow us and he was at home! I know what you are thinking! No no! He's not a poor man
Lemme explain! My father happens to be an Ijebu man ( thats a part of Nigeria synonymous to stinginess) Now to worsen situations... He read ECONOMICS! Yeah thats like a brazilian studying soccer or better still an Iraqi studying nuclear power! You can imagine how frugal my daddy is! Suffice to say that the only way you can get a million from him is to put school behind it! If not, then you will need to hire a SAN to defend yourself in the court (daddy's room)!

To worsen things he's now very smart! So you can not easily lie to him! My brother and I used to hold strategic planning meetings so we can get the better of him! After all 2 heads they say are better than one! So this makes it more difficult to get money from him! As a matter of fact, I wasn't one of those kids that was always given pocket money before I entered university! The fact is we actually thought we were poor! I think that was his plan! I remember we went for a wedding of a close family member on environmental Saturday! Since we were going to help organize, we had to get there before 7'0 clock and we did! At about 9 while we were still arranging stuff, my dad told me that I would go out after the environmental sanitation to buy detergent so that he can wash his already dirty handkerchief and spread it in the car!!!!!!!!! Now let me explain... New handkerchief is just 50 naira! Ah!

So you would understand my shock when one day I received a call from my dad that he was at Mr Biggs then and he was trying to find out what to buy for me! Out of shock i hanged up! He called back and said the same thing! So I just said 'Chicken and Ice cream!' My dad replied 'elo ni yen.. o o serious' (how much is that? You are not serious).My father came back and to my greatest surprise I saw Mr Biggs nylon! I was so happy! I almost wanted to call my friends! Thank God I didnt! I opened the Nylon and lo and behold..the unmistakable aroma of hot MOI MOI greeted me! My father had gone to Mr Biggs to buy moi moi!

Finally I can never forget fun fair day! My secondary school had organised it for the relaxation of students! A day where various eateries would bring their tents to school to sell stuff among other things! It was a day we looked forward to as students! So it was necessary for students to bring money to buy things or you buy chewing gum so people will see you eating constantly and think you bought so many things! And so I went to explain it to my daddy (Without a SAN! A step I later regretted!). My daddy, after hearing my case asked for a letter from the school to that effect (using his own words). After much persuasion (on my own part) and further conviction (on his own part), I was happy! He reached for his pocket! I had finally broken the ice! Now everybody in school will know that I came for fun fair! Lemme start listing my goodies, chicken, chips, ice cream, salad.... It was in the middle of these thoughts that my father, handed me 150 NAIRA Mint!!!

 "If you buy 20naira amala, 3 then one pomo and one shaki! dont forget to bring my change o! 

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Saturday, 7 July 2012


These songs happen to be all time favourites of Nigerians but however, when these songs are sung at some particular situations, then they may spell doom for the singer ....or sometimes the singee!
Lets check them out

1)If you are driving and policemen stop you.....Pls do not try to sing or play E MA DA MI DURO! I heard they dont like it! Its rude and they would definitely disobey your orders!

2) If you are walking past a soldier in the Nigerian army or any army for that matter! (KNEELING DOWN) Please, I beg you! Do not sing I CAN BE YOUR SCAPEGOAT! Verily Verily I say unto will not eSCAPE...GOAT!

3) If armed robbers attack you...Please do not sing WON KERE SI NUMBER WA! Because they will show you that Majority does not carry the vote!

4) Please If armed robbers shoot your hand..Pls dont shout OSE! because a yoruba proverb says omo to ba dupe ore ana a ri omiran gba (a child that says thank you for yesterday's blessing will collect another one today) They might bless you again! Advise: If u must be Dbanj..shout MOGBE instead!

5) If you happen to be sitted on a bike in Lagos..please do not sing TORI MO JOKO SINU BENTLEY PORSCHE ATI HUMMER! Remember God hates liars! BTW you will have to prove it when he wants to collect his money!

6) If you meet an Ibo female friend of yours in the mall or in an eatry...Please you don't have to sing YOU MUST CHOP MY MONEY!...she knows already!

7) If you are a nurse and you are checking your patient's temperature.....Thats the wrongest time to sing O GBONA FELI FELI BI AMALA TO JINA!

8) If as a doctor you are checking your patient's heartbeat.....Dont sing YOU DEY MAKE THIS HEART GO PIM PIM! PIMPIMPIM! PIMPIMPIMPIM! PIMPIMPIMPIMPIMPIM! AHAHN Doctor!

9) The mistake you will make is to stand beside a popular yoruba gospel musician, laugh and sing....ENI DURO! I heard he hates that song!

10) Finally, If you are a surgeon, operating on someone's heart, I beg you in the name of God the Father! Please dont sing..HE'S GOT ICEBOX WHERE IS HEART USED TO BE! because he will hear you! And he would become COLD! i.e he would DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Thursday, 5 July 2012


Early in the morning, Monday for that matter, my manager at my workplace (I was on IT) decided to cause problems! You people know am very gentle and little things get to me! But this man got to me that day (trust me the man was huge)! Early in the morning he wanted to start a third world war all by himself! so he called me! ...'
SLK! Go and get me the Civil engineerERS!!'
What! EngineerERS ke! In which company! On a second thought, I gave him the benefit of the doubt! Maybe he's talking about people that NEAR ENGINES!

For those reading this from outside Nigeria, GBAGAUN is a word used in our parlance to depict grammatical blunders! Trust me, in this my country, it is needed! Don't blame us, if the head is bad, the body will also be bad! I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING O!
                                                        TYPES OF GBAGAUNS
There are some GBAGAUNS that end arguments!
I remember a heated argument between my friends one day! All of a SUDDENLINESS, the controversy was resolved! Ki lo de (what happened)! Gbagaun happened!
Me: Who knows her better between Steve and Femi
Femi: (already passionately furious and involved in the argument) What kind of question is that! Me of course! (wait for it) I KNOWS her, I KNOWS her father, I KNOWS her mother. I KNOWS all her family members! 

Some kill hunger!
The party was sweet o! Going smoothly! Then it was time to eat and they sent a man to our table! We didnt know the man was a Yoruba Suicide bomber! (Yoruba is one of the three major Nigerian tribes)! Little wonder none of us was there to taste the delicacy! Please don't try this delicacy at might be dastardly of you!
CHEF: We have a lot on our menu today. There is fried rice, Jollof rice, salad, Pounded yam, Vegetables, and to cap it all up (yes wait for it!) over there we have ASSAULTED GOAT MEAT!
Me: What?
CHEF: (With more confidence as if someone is questioning his catering knowledge!) ASSAULTED MEAT! ASSAULTED! ASSAULTED! We made sure we ASSAULTED the GOAT......MEAT for your enjoyment!
Like I said don't try that dish!!!

Finally, some GBAGAUNS send people away!
In Lagos, petty traders sometimes use chalk boards to advertise their goods by the road side! This one was written on a wall with permanent marker! Permanent marker because it stays on the mind of the reader forever hunting his destiny! And she will be wondering why people don't patronize her business. Pls read!
I didn't need a Daniel to decode the writing on the wall!

Please lets henceforth watch our language! Be considerate! People deserve to live! HAVE A GREAT DAYs.....sorry DAY!

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So am guessing you all enjoyed Episode 1! Remember Kundus is just a character that sees life from a different perspective from what his teacher sees! So y'all have to put on your INTELLIGENT caps for this! Here is episode 2! Enjoy like coke!

Teacher: Which football club has the memory of a computer
Kundus:  Man Utd! Cos they have 1 giggs!

Teacher: Why did your grand mother pass her red skirt on to your mother?
Kundus: Because its TRANS-PARENT

Teacher: Where on earth can the king also be the subject at the same time

Teacher: How do we spread videos!
Kundus: We spread Videos ONLINE using VIDEO CLIPS!

Teacher: What do you call an insect that runs away with our wife
Kundus: An ANT-ELOPE

Teacher: Which is the laziest food on earth
Kundus: Moi moi Cos its always on LEAVE

Teacher: How do you know that Jesus loves good music
Kundus: Cos He's the ROCK of ages!

Teacher: Are tour fingers happy when you fold them together
Kundus: Yes duhh! They are in a FEAST!

That's all for Episode 2! Hope I didn't make you feel too stupid! Would Appreciate it if you let me know your favorite! Thanks a bunsh!!!

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